The past few days have been surreal. All three of us have commented of how dreamlike this all seems, particularly driving home from the cemetery, we wondered truly did we just bury our father, husband and friend? During that hour drive home, I speculated to myself what would be my waking thoughts the next morning. To my surprise, I awoke to visions of the "Mary Poppins" movie. That is correct, the umbrella traveling, magic carpet bag carrying, "practically perfect" nanny and her comrades.
I was perplexed initially, supposing that I had crossed the line from the sane to insanity, for I always felt that was a fine line of distinction. But upon further reflection, I conclude that it was appropriate that the day after Scott's funeral that the film "Mary Poppins" would be at the forefront of my rumination. After all, "Mary Poppins" was a very big part of our lives for awhile.
Here, I admit to using the VCR as a babysitter just a few times when Hayden was young, not yet 3. Okay, perhaps more than a few times because Hayden was fascinated with this movie to the point of wanting to become Bert. We would find him walking funny around the house with his pants pulled down to his knees. I know, one can state the obvious at this point ... like father, like son. A few of you may have had the unfortunate experience of seeing Scott with his pants dropped to his knees also. (The poor Stanger family has had more than their fair share.) Harman men! But, unlike Scott, Hayden was doing this deliberately for each time we pulled them up to their proper position, he would pull them back down and begin his particular walk. Finally, we asked him one day what was he doing with this antic and he replied that he was Bert. The Bert who pulled his pants down to his knees to dance with the penguins in the "Jolly Holiday" song.
Hayden's obsession did not stop there. It was Halloween time and when we inquired what Hayden would like to dress up as, he without any hesitation, replied that he wanted to be Bert. Well, Bert is a decent enough role model....he is funny, he can sing and dance, he is resourceful (think about how many jobs Bert has in the movie), he is helpful and he certainly has charisma but where in the world would I be able to find a Bert costume for a three year old? I decided that the easiest Bert to portray was the chimney sweep Bert. With black pants and jacket, a red scarf around his neck, his face smeared with "soot", head donned with a cap and a "chimney sweep" broom in hand, Hayden went door to door seeking candy and doing a little dance each time.... Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey, chim chim cher-ee!
So, Mary Poppins and the Harmans have a history. But, the scene that I awoke to Friday morning was when Mary, Bert and the kids go and try to help Uncle Albert out of his predicament. If you remember, Uncle Albert had the challenge of floating upwards when he thought of funny things and got to laughing too hard. "I love to Laugh, Loud and long and clear, I love to laugh, It's getting worse every year..." Perhaps, I see a bit of Scott in Uncle Albert's character, always looking for the humor and light side of life. Anyway, his rescuers find him at the top of his ceiling and he is soon joined by the others who can not resist. All except Mary, who remains on ground and frustrated at their folly. Soon, unable to get them down, she brings their tea to them but when it is time for them to get going she tells them to start thinking of sad things and they will be able to come down. At this point, I acutely remember, feeling their pain of having to come down from the levity that kept them afloat. Who really wants to intentionally think of sad things?
As I descend from the adrenaline rush that has kept me numbed and "afloat", I do feel a bit more of the reality of Scott's passing with each day. Although, I may have hit solid ground now, I know that I will not decline any further because of the "Spoonfuls of Sugar" I keep being administered. So abundant and frequent are these spoonfuls of sugar that I know my level of gratitude may be dangerously high.
May I give a partial list here of these spoonfuls:
-Friends and family that would donate so much of their time on Thanksgiving evening to set up a wonderful and fitting display of Scott's life- The tie idea was not mine but the credit needs to be given to Kathe Smithson. Thank you!
-Everyone who would take time out of the day after Thanksgiving, even on a Black Friday, and come and be with us. We are thankful to you each!
-Friends and family that travelled from a far (some all night and early morning) to be with us for Scott's celebration. We are touched!
-The fun and inspiring stories shared about Scott's influence on your lives. Treasures!
-All the behind the scenes work of setting up chairs and tables and providing, serving and cleaning up after a delicious meal that strengthened. We do not even know all the names to which we are indebted. But we thank you for your contribution!
-The winks, hugs and smiles of love, giving us confidence, as we passed you by, walking behind the casket. Appreciated!
-All the help in making Scott's celebration so memorable. The music was a perfect tribute- The arrangement of "A Poor Wayfaring Man" was excellent. Thanks to the Maloneys, Scott even got to have his wish of a bagpiper playing at his graveside. The words and prayers spoken gave hope to our hearts and will linger lovingly always. Thank you John, Scott M, Scott H, Morgan and Bishop. For all these spoonfuls we are truly and eternally indebted!
There is more. Oh, so much more...
Mary Poppins was right, a spoonful of sugar does help the medicine down.....in the most delightful way.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Obituary
A very nice obituary and tribute was paid to Scott in the Arizona Republic. If you don't have a copy of today's paper, you can find it online.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Omissions, blunders and bloopers
First, I must correct my directions I gave on the invite I sent out about Scott's Celebration on this Fri. Nov. 23rd. I said that the Desert Ridge Stake Center was on the left side of Signal Butte. It is not. The church will be on the RIGHT side of the street. Thanks to a friend who caught the mistake. Hopefully, everyone has google or some GPS thing. What ever did we do before those? I guess there is always the good old roll down the window and ask someone for directions...nay, that is an ancient technique.
Second, I failed to mention in the invite that instead of flowers, perhaps you might consider becoming of friend of the Boy Scouts of America and donate to this organization that Scott held close to his heart.
He was their biggest cheerleader and could boast (but never did) of helping many a boy reach Eagle by being relentless in his "motivation" (lectures) to them.
Third, I want to sincerely thank my Bishop for so many things but most recently for helping me out of an awkward situation. You see, going back to church the first time alone after losing a spouse, is difficult to say the least. The questions, the hugs, the looks of people not knowing what to say....all can be built up in one's mind before it even happens. I knew it would not get any easier if I waited to go another week. That would just procrastinate the agony. I called a friend and convinced her that she needed a ride to church and that I was the only one who could do it. I am duty driven and if I knew someone was counting on me to get them there, then I would see it done and could not back out. Besides, it was the children's Primary Program, which I look forward to with great anticipation each year. I did not want to miss that for it never disappoints.
So I walked in, sat with my friend on the first row and wished that the bright neon sign above my head that read "Grieving Widow" with an arrow pointing to me would stop flashing. When the Bishop arose to conduct, he first gave some announcements and on top of his list was the reminder about Scott'sfuneral service celebration on Friday. I could feel all eyes upon me, burning in the back of my head. Should I grab a tissue and wipe the corner of my eyes? Should I turn around and wave and smile and say something like, "Ya'll come on over, ya hear!" I did not know what was proper protocol at that moment, so I just sat there wishing that the focus would go somewhere else. That is when the Bishop rescued me.
He proceeded to give an announcement about our ward "Christmas Hoe down" celebration coming soon. Well, let us just say, he got a bit disoriented and made a comment in complete innocence that ultimately brought snickers from the congregation, then continued to roll on with full laughter when others caught on to what he had said. It was a larger than normal number in the congregation because so many had come to see their grandchildren and family in the program and the giggles reflected that increase. He had been a long time on the rode recently, had not seen his family for weeks and returned to ward problems, such as a recent widow. He was tired I am sure. That is one idea for a disclaimer.
Another idea has crossed my mind. I think he wanted to help me from feeling inept in this new situation. For no longer did I feel people cared or even noticed me. They were too embarrassed for the Bishop or trying to catch their breath as they held their stomaches from aching. I feel his faux pas was truly in the category of being charitable. So, thank you Bishop for taking the heat off me.
It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. I have felt better and will every time I think of that Sunday scenario. It will be a bright spot. So do not consider it a blunder for I consider it a blessing in disguise. My only regret, is that Scott was not there to laugh with me.
Second, I failed to mention in the invite that instead of flowers, perhaps you might consider becoming of friend of the Boy Scouts of America and donate to this organization that Scott held close to his heart.
He was their biggest cheerleader and could boast (but never did) of helping many a boy reach Eagle by being relentless in his "motivation" (lectures) to them.
Third, I want to sincerely thank my Bishop for so many things but most recently for helping me out of an awkward situation. You see, going back to church the first time alone after losing a spouse, is difficult to say the least. The questions, the hugs, the looks of people not knowing what to say....all can be built up in one's mind before it even happens. I knew it would not get any easier if I waited to go another week. That would just procrastinate the agony. I called a friend and convinced her that she needed a ride to church and that I was the only one who could do it. I am duty driven and if I knew someone was counting on me to get them there, then I would see it done and could not back out. Besides, it was the children's Primary Program, which I look forward to with great anticipation each year. I did not want to miss that for it never disappoints.
So I walked in, sat with my friend on the first row and wished that the bright neon sign above my head that read "Grieving Widow" with an arrow pointing to me would stop flashing. When the Bishop arose to conduct, he first gave some announcements and on top of his list was the reminder about Scott's
He proceeded to give an announcement about our ward "Christmas Hoe down" celebration coming soon. Well, let us just say, he got a bit disoriented and made a comment in complete innocence that ultimately brought snickers from the congregation, then continued to roll on with full laughter when others caught on to what he had said. It was a larger than normal number in the congregation because so many had come to see their grandchildren and family in the program and the giggles reflected that increase. He had been a long time on the rode recently, had not seen his family for weeks and returned to ward problems, such as a recent widow. He was tired I am sure. That is one idea for a disclaimer.
Another idea has crossed my mind. I think he wanted to help me from feeling inept in this new situation. For no longer did I feel people cared or even noticed me. They were too embarrassed for the Bishop or trying to catch their breath as they held their stomaches from aching. I feel his faux pas was truly in the category of being charitable. So, thank you Bishop for taking the heat off me.
It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. I have felt better and will every time I think of that Sunday scenario. It will be a bright spot. So do not consider it a blunder for I consider it a blessing in disguise. My only regret, is that Scott was not there to laugh with me.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Angels at Walmart
Today I learned something that Scott had learned long ago......that Walmart can be a place of hope and healing. I see you smirking but I can say it's true!
When Scott could not sleep at night, which was every night, he would put on his pajama bottoms of a certain print and would slip on a shirt of another print and grab some slippers that were once a nice tan but were now black with wear, not even bothering to comb his hair and head over to our local 24 hour Walmart.
Why and what would he do there you might wonder? Well, the why, certainly had something to do with how he was dressed. He felt right at home. He said he got no more strange looks from others than anyone else got. It was well lit, had security precautions (at least greeters at the door), had bathrooms close by and if he was hungry the shelves were always stocked. It was this insomniac's paradise. He always related stories of the interesting people he met, the latest gizmos out and became a whiz at product pricing. As he wandered the halls of this mecca to American commercialism, he solved world problems like.....what brand of paper towel was most absorbent and which BBQ sauce worked best with what cut of meat. Really, what he was doing was setting his own pains aside to think of someone else's needs.
I would often awake, not knowing he had a mid-night encounter at the mega store, and find our counter littered with things that seemed to magically appear, often with a note that said he was thinking of so and so and this was for them and would I make sure they got it. Once I awoke to see piles of craft items on the counter for my Pre-K class. I smile tenderly at the thought of him selecting every size of googly eyes and every color and style of pom-poms. His last nocturnal run, brought us a year supply of chocolate chips and Hersery Bars. He was quite concerned when he heard about the price of chocolate going up. He was going to make sure that we had enough to "barter" with all the chocoholics out there since he knew chocolate was not a motivator for me. I am in possession of excessive chocolate, so I think I know what I will give this Christmas.
Anyway, I found myself at Walmart today, wandering the aisles amazed that Thanksgiving was crowded out before it even happened and Christmas had already taken over. I was in a fog of thoughts that seemed to lead to nowhere in making some purchasing decisions when I was approached by a lady asking where I had gotten such and such in my shopping basket. From that innocent question, a conversation ensued and we found each of us bearing our souls to each other, saying things like, "I do not know why I am telling you this," or "I never share this with people even those that I have known for years, yet alone a stranger". She had seen a few more tragedies in her life and was able to offer some comfort and counsel. Although not a member of my church, we were united in our common belief that God watches over all his children and will answer all their prayers in His timing and we will see our loved ones again. We held up traffic for quite awhile in the aisle, while there were tears and hugs and eventually an exchange of names and telephone numbers. This Walmart angel hailed from Iowa part of the year and had no idea that when she entered the automatic doors today that she would be on the Lord's errand. Another tender mercy is noted.
When we parted, a phrase from a hymn and a scripture came to mind, "No longer as strangers on earth need we roam " (Now Let Us Rejoice #3) and "...I was a stranger, and ye took me in.." (Matt. 25:35)
Scott was right, Walmart can be a place of solace and he would be pleased to know that it can happen even in the daytime.
When Scott could not sleep at night, which was every night, he would put on his pajama bottoms of a certain print and would slip on a shirt of another print and grab some slippers that were once a nice tan but were now black with wear, not even bothering to comb his hair and head over to our local 24 hour Walmart.
Why and what would he do there you might wonder? Well, the why, certainly had something to do with how he was dressed. He felt right at home. He said he got no more strange looks from others than anyone else got. It was well lit, had security precautions (at least greeters at the door), had bathrooms close by and if he was hungry the shelves were always stocked. It was this insomniac's paradise. He always related stories of the interesting people he met, the latest gizmos out and became a whiz at product pricing. As he wandered the halls of this mecca to American commercialism, he solved world problems like.....what brand of paper towel was most absorbent and which BBQ sauce worked best with what cut of meat. Really, what he was doing was setting his own pains aside to think of someone else's needs.
I would often awake, not knowing he had a mid-night encounter at the mega store, and find our counter littered with things that seemed to magically appear, often with a note that said he was thinking of so and so and this was for them and would I make sure they got it. Once I awoke to see piles of craft items on the counter for my Pre-K class. I smile tenderly at the thought of him selecting every size of googly eyes and every color and style of pom-poms. His last nocturnal run, brought us a year supply of chocolate chips and Hersery Bars. He was quite concerned when he heard about the price of chocolate going up. He was going to make sure that we had enough to "barter" with all the chocoholics out there since he knew chocolate was not a motivator for me. I am in possession of excessive chocolate, so I think I know what I will give this Christmas.
Anyway, I found myself at Walmart today, wandering the aisles amazed that Thanksgiving was crowded out before it even happened and Christmas had already taken over. I was in a fog of thoughts that seemed to lead to nowhere in making some purchasing decisions when I was approached by a lady asking where I had gotten such and such in my shopping basket. From that innocent question, a conversation ensued and we found each of us bearing our souls to each other, saying things like, "I do not know why I am telling you this," or "I never share this with people even those that I have known for years, yet alone a stranger". She had seen a few more tragedies in her life and was able to offer some comfort and counsel. Although not a member of my church, we were united in our common belief that God watches over all his children and will answer all their prayers in His timing and we will see our loved ones again. We held up traffic for quite awhile in the aisle, while there were tears and hugs and eventually an exchange of names and telephone numbers. This Walmart angel hailed from Iowa part of the year and had no idea that when she entered the automatic doors today that she would be on the Lord's errand. Another tender mercy is noted.
When we parted, a phrase from a hymn and a scripture came to mind, "No longer as strangers on earth need we roam " (Now Let Us Rejoice #3) and "...I was a stranger, and ye took me in.." (Matt. 25:35)
Scott was right, Walmart can be a place of solace and he would be pleased to know that it can happen even in the daytime.
Friday, November 16, 2012
An Invitation to Celebrate Scott
To All Readers,
You are invited to come and help us celebrate
Scott Harman
on Friday, November 23rd at 10am
at the Desert Ridge Stake Center:
3440 S. Signal Butte Rd. Mesa, AZ 85212
(Take the 60 East and exit Signal Butte, turning right (south) off exit.
Pass through Guadalupe and church is on your left
and before you come to Elliot.
Sorry, there is some forever ongoing construction.)
There will be visiting available from 9-9:45am at the same church
in the Relief Society Room for any who would like.
Scott's body will be buried near family later that same day in Glendale.
We have so enjoyed hearing the stories about Scott,
for we have forgotten many of them.
Thank you for sharing.
We would love to continue to hear them as you think of them.
Please feel free to post them on blog,
email them to me (godessie@gmail.com)
or even a good old written hard copy would be welcomed.
It is a treasure for our family.
In the celebration Friday there might be a few tears but I can guarantee there will be mostly laughter, after all this is Scott Harman we are celebrating!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Alteration in blog purpose
I know that this blog was started to inform others on Scott's progress and now since that outcome has been determined, that I should abandon the blog. But selfishly, I am not going to just yet. I find great solace in setting my thoughts and experiences to the pen (okay, keyboard but pen sounded more romantic-Jane Austen like). Daily, I have found so much to rejoice in and laugh about that it must be shared. I consider this free therapy. I do not even know if there will be any readers. I am not that tech savvy to find out yet but it is a balm to my heart. So, if there are readers just consider the money you are helping me save on not having to seek professional help and the service you are rendering by just "listening".
Yesterday came as I knew it would and more decisions needed to be made. Luckily, nothing like the previous days. On Jan. 1 2011, Scott and I took a drive to his old "stomping grounds" in Peoria and Glendale. I know the exact date because in the midst of him showing me around, he showed me where his family is buried and he said, "This is where I want to be buried." So, I dutifully noted it in my phone. Where to have his body buried.... done.
Now for the decision of what to do with his body until it is buried, I was not prepared. So, my decision making process began and thankfully I was not alone. My dear sister Amanda played chauffeur to my mother and myself. I had narrowed it down to three destinations to visit. As we started out, my sister used her phone to locate the nearest funeral home on my list. When she saw its location she questioned if I knew what part of town it was located. She said that location was definitely not "Uptown". For fun we started there anyway. It was somewhat barricaded behind all the road construction continually going on near by and the business signs started appearing in a language other than English. We missed the first entrance and found ourselves turning into a parking lot that had directly in front of us, a semi-professional sign in black lettering on a white background with the information... "All Pets Cremation Parking." We were a bit stunned and a few unavoidable jokes had to be uttered. This could not be the right address! The parking lot looked a bit abandoned, like some tenants had moved out long ago. We ventured to the left a bit and found that "The Metal Shop" was an active business but still no sign of a funeral home. We ventured more to the left and found it. It was more comely and tidy than its neighbors but we decided to just drive around it to make sure it it was indeed an active business. Yes, the hearst was there but we did not feel the need to get of the car to investigate further. On to the next two choices.
We took a long drive to the east side of the city and found ourselves entering a very well manicured cemetery and mortuary. Everything was beautifully kept and green with bright colored flowers on all the graves that had not already faded with time. We passed several big mausoleums and family monuments. We arrived at the funeral home elevated on a slight hill with a little avery cage to the left filled with very white doves. When we entered, we were promptly greeted and shown into the consulting room and given private labeled water bottles and offered personalized mints from the bowl on the table. A middle aged man walked in with a polished mustache and demeanor. He looked confident in his dress, a sport coat and tie, as he handed us a gold embossed folder with information. He was pleasant and seemed to know a bit about a LDS funeral service, throwing out some familiar words, such as Relief Society. He was helpful and courteous but not overly warm on a personal level and we left feeling that this was the "Ritz" of funeral homes and the prices certainly reflected that title.
It was time to check out the third option. It was not the Ritz but it also certainly did not have neighbors the first option did. This time we were helped by a young adult women dressed in black. She was a bit more personal than our previous experience, asking us more about who we were arranging the service for and what we want we see happen. There were mints on the table but no printed advertising on the label, just standard restaurant mints. The folder that was presented to us was not embossed but had their logo printed on the cover. She was also able to throw out few terms that demonstrated that their staff was familiar with how to run an LDS service. She helped us narrow our casket choice and gave her condolences as we left. This could be an option. It was certainly a lower overall price than the previous option.
We all were getting tired of the process but we decided just for kicks and a good story that we would go back to the first place and actually go inside. When we entered it was surprisingly clean and smelled nice with a calming decor. We were kindly ushered into another room and asked to wait for the funeral director. There were no mints on the table. Then a young man in a white shirt and a tie (a familiar attire for Scott, he was wearing the same thing when he had his accident) greeted us and handed us some information on copied paper stapled in the corner- no folder. He quickly put us at ease and spoke about what brought us there and genuinely seemed to care about who this person was and what were our thoughts and concerns. We found that he was a returned missionary and knew all about LDS services. He knew the lingo and culture well.
The pricing was the lowest and I worried in my mind that although Scott always inappropriately joked about wanting to be buried in a refrigerator box (or SubZero box as the case may be), what would people think of me choosing the lowest priced place I found. I was battling my pride a bit for I knew if the roles were reversed that Scott would have chosen for me the place with the white doves. But this is Scott that I was making the decision for...where and with whom would his body feel comfortable? We asked all the questions we could and as we got up to leave, I said something like, "I'll get back to you later when I have made the decision," thinking that perhaps the middle priced option was safest.
Then he ushered us into the foyer where there stood a woman waiting with a large plastic trash bag in her hand that seemed to carry all her earthly possessions. Her age was hard to determine because of her browned and weathered skin from the sun. Her attire indicated that she did not have a closet to hang clothes. I would even venture to say that she did not even have a home to have a closet. I thought that for sure the young funeral director would awkwardly and embarrassingly glance our way as we left, as if to apologize for the scene and gesture or say something to let us know that this was not typical clientele. I was wrong. Without hesitation he walked toward her and began a conversation in a kind and humble tone that showed he had no judgement, only concern for her needs and why she was there. I was taken back a bit but it did not take me long to find the answer to the question of where and with whom would Scott's body feel most comfortable. This director not only talked the talk but he walked the walk. A body, such as Scott's, that housed a spirit that loved his fellowmen without judgement, needs to be handled and prepared by the same type of spirit. It was not about the money. It is about the feeling.
I cannot tell you how many times Scott would see a need of someone and fulfill it or be approached by someone to give help and give it. The reason why I cannot tell how many times, is he did not tell me all of the times he did so, probably because of my fearful and bothered reaction of where all the money went. Yes, Allen Funeral Home is just the place where Scott's body will be comfortable for awhile. While his spirit is in loving place, so is his body.
And I think Scott would be so pleased that I did not let my pride get the better of me.
Dessie
Yesterday came as I knew it would and more decisions needed to be made. Luckily, nothing like the previous days. On Jan. 1 2011, Scott and I took a drive to his old "stomping grounds" in Peoria and Glendale. I know the exact date because in the midst of him showing me around, he showed me where his family is buried and he said, "This is where I want to be buried." So, I dutifully noted it in my phone. Where to have his body buried.... done.
Now for the decision of what to do with his body until it is buried, I was not prepared. So, my decision making process began and thankfully I was not alone. My dear sister Amanda played chauffeur to my mother and myself. I had narrowed it down to three destinations to visit. As we started out, my sister used her phone to locate the nearest funeral home on my list. When she saw its location she questioned if I knew what part of town it was located. She said that location was definitely not "Uptown". For fun we started there anyway. It was somewhat barricaded behind all the road construction continually going on near by and the business signs started appearing in a language other than English. We missed the first entrance and found ourselves turning into a parking lot that had directly in front of us, a semi-professional sign in black lettering on a white background with the information... "All Pets Cremation Parking." We were a bit stunned and a few unavoidable jokes had to be uttered. This could not be the right address! The parking lot looked a bit abandoned, like some tenants had moved out long ago. We ventured to the left a bit and found that "The Metal Shop" was an active business but still no sign of a funeral home. We ventured more to the left and found it. It was more comely and tidy than its neighbors but we decided to just drive around it to make sure it it was indeed an active business. Yes, the hearst was there but we did not feel the need to get of the car to investigate further. On to the next two choices.
We took a long drive to the east side of the city and found ourselves entering a very well manicured cemetery and mortuary. Everything was beautifully kept and green with bright colored flowers on all the graves that had not already faded with time. We passed several big mausoleums and family monuments. We arrived at the funeral home elevated on a slight hill with a little avery cage to the left filled with very white doves. When we entered, we were promptly greeted and shown into the consulting room and given private labeled water bottles and offered personalized mints from the bowl on the table. A middle aged man walked in with a polished mustache and demeanor. He looked confident in his dress, a sport coat and tie, as he handed us a gold embossed folder with information. He was pleasant and seemed to know a bit about a LDS funeral service, throwing out some familiar words, such as Relief Society. He was helpful and courteous but not overly warm on a personal level and we left feeling that this was the "Ritz" of funeral homes and the prices certainly reflected that title.
It was time to check out the third option. It was not the Ritz but it also certainly did not have neighbors the first option did. This time we were helped by a young adult women dressed in black. She was a bit more personal than our previous experience, asking us more about who we were arranging the service for and what we want we see happen. There were mints on the table but no printed advertising on the label, just standard restaurant mints. The folder that was presented to us was not embossed but had their logo printed on the cover. She was also able to throw out few terms that demonstrated that their staff was familiar with how to run an LDS service. She helped us narrow our casket choice and gave her condolences as we left. This could be an option. It was certainly a lower overall price than the previous option.
We all were getting tired of the process but we decided just for kicks and a good story that we would go back to the first place and actually go inside. When we entered it was surprisingly clean and smelled nice with a calming decor. We were kindly ushered into another room and asked to wait for the funeral director. There were no mints on the table. Then a young man in a white shirt and a tie (a familiar attire for Scott, he was wearing the same thing when he had his accident) greeted us and handed us some information on copied paper stapled in the corner- no folder. He quickly put us at ease and spoke about what brought us there and genuinely seemed to care about who this person was and what were our thoughts and concerns. We found that he was a returned missionary and knew all about LDS services. He knew the lingo and culture well.
The pricing was the lowest and I worried in my mind that although Scott always inappropriately joked about wanting to be buried in a refrigerator box (or SubZero box as the case may be), what would people think of me choosing the lowest priced place I found. I was battling my pride a bit for I knew if the roles were reversed that Scott would have chosen for me the place with the white doves. But this is Scott that I was making the decision for...where and with whom would his body feel comfortable? We asked all the questions we could and as we got up to leave, I said something like, "I'll get back to you later when I have made the decision," thinking that perhaps the middle priced option was safest.
Then he ushered us into the foyer where there stood a woman waiting with a large plastic trash bag in her hand that seemed to carry all her earthly possessions. Her age was hard to determine because of her browned and weathered skin from the sun. Her attire indicated that she did not have a closet to hang clothes. I would even venture to say that she did not even have a home to have a closet. I thought that for sure the young funeral director would awkwardly and embarrassingly glance our way as we left, as if to apologize for the scene and gesture or say something to let us know that this was not typical clientele. I was wrong. Without hesitation he walked toward her and began a conversation in a kind and humble tone that showed he had no judgement, only concern for her needs and why she was there. I was taken back a bit but it did not take me long to find the answer to the question of where and with whom would Scott's body feel most comfortable. This director not only talked the talk but he walked the walk. A body, such as Scott's, that housed a spirit that loved his fellowmen without judgement, needs to be handled and prepared by the same type of spirit. It was not about the money. It is about the feeling.
I cannot tell you how many times Scott would see a need of someone and fulfill it or be approached by someone to give help and give it. The reason why I cannot tell how many times, is he did not tell me all of the times he did so, probably because of my fearful and bothered reaction of where all the money went. Yes, Allen Funeral Home is just the place where Scott's body will be comfortable for awhile. While his spirit is in loving place, so is his body.
And I think Scott would be so pleased that I did not let my pride get the better of me.
Dessie
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Happy Day for Scott
It is with great relief and joy that I ponder here Scott's passing yesterday. Like most everything in Scott's life, it did not come easy. But also, like most everything in Scott's life it was full of miracles.
I truly was expecting a "rubber stamp" type of decision from the legal department since the "ethics" committee had cleared their issues and was not prepared for the battle that ensued. I was told that another meeting was to take place at 3pm because that is when the legal person could meet. In actuality this meeting was more like an inquisition and is up to date the hardest hour of my life. I do not know if I could describe with words what it felt like or all that transpired but in looking up how to spell inquisition, a few of the definitions stand out...."Characterized by lack of regard for individual rights, prejudice on the part of examiners and recklessly cruel punishments,"and "any harsh, difficult, or prolonged questioning." While Scott's mortal life hung in the balance of more prolonged suffering or release to the next part of his existence, the earthly powers that be were caught up with semantics of word choices, philosophizing on "quality of life" and definitions of terminal illness and survivability. He had not marked the number 4 choice in his will that left it wide open for interpretations. (A lesson to all who read this... He had not done so because he questioned how dialysis would work into that.. we had a conversation at the moment of signing about it and he thought he should leave it blank but his intent was very clear to me.)
There were 6 hospital staff in the room and I set beside my sweet sister-in-law, Penny and squeezed her hand so hard I am sure it will be bruised. Also, on team Harman, was my brother Morgan via telephone and Scott's dear friend Scott Halverson that is also an attorney. Scott Halverson was at the hospital in the morning when we got the news of the meeting and this is the beginning of the miracles and tender mercies of the day. He immediately made calls, cleared his schedule and went to work for our Scotty. He does not do this kind of law but one would not have know that listening to him in the room. It felt good to be flanked on either side of us by two Priesthood holders (The speaker phone was to my right that Morgan was on and Halverson was leading the discussion on my left.). At one particular low point in the discussion the words were thrown around of finding recourse in a court of law which I knew meant more suffering for Scott and all. In a despair that is indescribable, all I could think to do was to close my eyes and pray. I know that I was not the only one praying. I know that many of you were also praying yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
The situation seemed to be at an impasse and just when I was to give up all hope the situation began to change. The trauma doctor, who really wanted to honor Scott's wishes but could not surpass the legal department, held out a solution. If she was to ask me for permission to put in a trac (spelling?) -the breathing tube in his throat and a permanent feeding tube for Scott in his side, which is the course that Scott was on within days and I was to deny that permission then their only course of action would be to have Scott on palliative or comfort care. It was an "olive branch" direct from Heaven. I will always be eternally grateful to that doctor for her willingness to see beyond the moment and felt that she was inspired from above. I denied permission and the process to remove his ventilator and other life sustaining meds and procedures began. I think all that were involved in that room left drained from emotion. I was literally sick to my stomach and weak in my knees and my head was whirling with thoughts of am I doing the right thing and I began to second guess myself and the promptings and feelings that had already been confirmed to me by the Spirit. Then I remembered reading this past week, President Henry B. Eyring's address in this past general conference, titled "Where Is The Pavilion?". That talk seemed to be given with me in mind and what I would be going through. In the talk he states, "Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him. That is not easy in a world where the opinions of other human beings can have such an effect on our motives. But it will help us recognize this truth: God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."
God was close to us yesterday and is today and always. It was only about an hour that Scott struggled for breath. It was gut wrenching to watch at first but then became very peaceful and almost serene. He drew his last breath around 6:58 pm. He was surrounded by loved ones.....myself, his sister and his friend, Scott Halverson. I know that he was also surrounded by many others that could not be seen with my eyes. I and Penny were able to receive priesthood blessings from the hands of our Father through Scott Halverson and Scott Maloney (another Scott friend who came down to give our Scotty a blessing but he passed just minutes before and it turned out that I and his sister would be the benefactors of those Priesthood blessings.)
Scott's last day on earth brought many more tender mercies and miracles to add to my notebook which some day I hope to publish.
One might wonder what do you do when you have to leave your best friend and eternal companion behind. Well, I know that Scott is seeing to it that his wife and children are comforted and then visiting, rejoicing, teaching and testifying with everyone in his path. For me, it was a long yet peaceful drive home only to be brought to my knees with emotion to see all the cards, flowers and goodies left at my front door by ward members. So, I warmed up a plate of food a friend had prepared for me and sat down and read all the kind words of comfort that had been written, smelled my beautiful flowers and watched "Anne of Green Gables" ( a red headed heroine of mine) and fell asleep with a peace that after the long dark night that the sun would rise again in the morning. And it did and it will, symbolically and physically.
Dessie
I truly was expecting a "rubber stamp" type of decision from the legal department since the "ethics" committee had cleared their issues and was not prepared for the battle that ensued. I was told that another meeting was to take place at 3pm because that is when the legal person could meet. In actuality this meeting was more like an inquisition and is up to date the hardest hour of my life. I do not know if I could describe with words what it felt like or all that transpired but in looking up how to spell inquisition, a few of the definitions stand out...."Characterized by lack of regard for individual rights, prejudice on the part of examiners and recklessly cruel punishments,"and "any harsh, difficult, or prolonged questioning." While Scott's mortal life hung in the balance of more prolonged suffering or release to the next part of his existence, the earthly powers that be were caught up with semantics of word choices, philosophizing on "quality of life" and definitions of terminal illness and survivability. He had not marked the number 4 choice in his will that left it wide open for interpretations. (A lesson to all who read this... He had not done so because he questioned how dialysis would work into that.. we had a conversation at the moment of signing about it and he thought he should leave it blank but his intent was very clear to me.)
There were 6 hospital staff in the room and I set beside my sweet sister-in-law, Penny and squeezed her hand so hard I am sure it will be bruised. Also, on team Harman, was my brother Morgan via telephone and Scott's dear friend Scott Halverson that is also an attorney. Scott Halverson was at the hospital in the morning when we got the news of the meeting and this is the beginning of the miracles and tender mercies of the day. He immediately made calls, cleared his schedule and went to work for our Scotty. He does not do this kind of law but one would not have know that listening to him in the room. It felt good to be flanked on either side of us by two Priesthood holders (The speaker phone was to my right that Morgan was on and Halverson was leading the discussion on my left.). At one particular low point in the discussion the words were thrown around of finding recourse in a court of law which I knew meant more suffering for Scott and all. In a despair that is indescribable, all I could think to do was to close my eyes and pray. I know that I was not the only one praying. I know that many of you were also praying yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
The situation seemed to be at an impasse and just when I was to give up all hope the situation began to change. The trauma doctor, who really wanted to honor Scott's wishes but could not surpass the legal department, held out a solution. If she was to ask me for permission to put in a trac (spelling?) -the breathing tube in his throat and a permanent feeding tube for Scott in his side, which is the course that Scott was on within days and I was to deny that permission then their only course of action would be to have Scott on palliative or comfort care. It was an "olive branch" direct from Heaven. I will always be eternally grateful to that doctor for her willingness to see beyond the moment and felt that she was inspired from above. I denied permission and the process to remove his ventilator and other life sustaining meds and procedures began. I think all that were involved in that room left drained from emotion. I was literally sick to my stomach and weak in my knees and my head was whirling with thoughts of am I doing the right thing and I began to second guess myself and the promptings and feelings that had already been confirmed to me by the Spirit. Then I remembered reading this past week, President Henry B. Eyring's address in this past general conference, titled "Where Is The Pavilion?". That talk seemed to be given with me in mind and what I would be going through. In the talk he states, "Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him. That is not easy in a world where the opinions of other human beings can have such an effect on our motives. But it will help us recognize this truth: God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."
God was close to us yesterday and is today and always. It was only about an hour that Scott struggled for breath. It was gut wrenching to watch at first but then became very peaceful and almost serene. He drew his last breath around 6:58 pm. He was surrounded by loved ones.....myself, his sister and his friend, Scott Halverson. I know that he was also surrounded by many others that could not be seen with my eyes. I and Penny were able to receive priesthood blessings from the hands of our Father through Scott Halverson and Scott Maloney (another Scott friend who came down to give our Scotty a blessing but he passed just minutes before and it turned out that I and his sister would be the benefactors of those Priesthood blessings.)
Scott's last day on earth brought many more tender mercies and miracles to add to my notebook which some day I hope to publish.
One might wonder what do you do when you have to leave your best friend and eternal companion behind. Well, I know that Scott is seeing to it that his wife and children are comforted and then visiting, rejoicing, teaching and testifying with everyone in his path. For me, it was a long yet peaceful drive home only to be brought to my knees with emotion to see all the cards, flowers and goodies left at my front door by ward members. So, I warmed up a plate of food a friend had prepared for me and sat down and read all the kind words of comfort that had been written, smelled my beautiful flowers and watched "Anne of Green Gables" ( a red headed heroine of mine) and fell asleep with a peace that after the long dark night that the sun would rise again in the morning. And it did and it will, symbolically and physically.
Dessie
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Update
We know that many family and friends are concerned about the Harman family. Scott passed away this evening around 7:00 pm. The family is looking at Friday, November 23 for his funeral. More information to follow. Thank you for your love, support and prayers.
Pivotal day
I am really at a loss on how to start this entry on such a pivotal day for Scott, for us. Through the roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts I will try to just give some facts first.
As Scott knew and myself what would happen if he ended up in a hospital, it would be the infections that would be his demise. He now can add C-diff to his list. It is a bacteria infection prevalent in hospitals. One now must wear protective gowns and gloves when entering room. His body is riddled with evidence of how his body has no more strength to fight this on slot of infection. There is a distinct odor in the room that whispers decay. He continues to be unresponsive to most commands and his eyes he does not open or cannot because they are so swollen shut. There is more now I am sure that I have not been made aware.
But, things are moving forward to get Scott his desires. I got word yesterday afternoon that the "ethics" committee has rendered a decision that his case is not a matter of ethics. ......thanks. Now it lies in the hands of the legal department to give their consent that his living will be honored but that could not happen yesterday because it was a holiday. So this am when the legals are back in their office, we should have a complete answer. I am finding the situation pathetic. A hospital that is open 24/7, 365 days a year to receive all patients does not follow the same open door policy for those wanting to leave. They will accept coming in on weekends and holidays but not going out and in the mist of all the bureaucratic red tape, a man suffers needlessly.
Yes, I am going to have to work on my bitterness to the"Man." But I can say the rainbow in this waiting game has been the support I have felt from my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Yesterday, I was by myself most of the time at the hospital but I was not alone. I needed that time to think. I have started a list of all the tender mercies and miracles we have experienced over the last couple of years as a family and I am already at two full pages and counting. I also was blessed with clarity of mind and purpose to continue to be his voice and help him find his relief. In talking with Hayden and HeartLee, they also have not been alone. They have each felt in different ways and time tables, the sweetness of the Spirit comforting them and giving them the strength and conviction to continue on.
I do have family with me today for the minute we get the go ahead, we will be taking him off the ventilator and not administering anymore meds and procedures other then something for his pain and gagging. I am hopeful and prayerful that for Scott today will be a day of happy reunions.
Dessie
As Scott knew and myself what would happen if he ended up in a hospital, it would be the infections that would be his demise. He now can add C-diff to his list. It is a bacteria infection prevalent in hospitals. One now must wear protective gowns and gloves when entering room. His body is riddled with evidence of how his body has no more strength to fight this on slot of infection. There is a distinct odor in the room that whispers decay. He continues to be unresponsive to most commands and his eyes he does not open or cannot because they are so swollen shut. There is more now I am sure that I have not been made aware.
But, things are moving forward to get Scott his desires. I got word yesterday afternoon that the "ethics" committee has rendered a decision that his case is not a matter of ethics. ......thanks. Now it lies in the hands of the legal department to give their consent that his living will be honored but that could not happen yesterday because it was a holiday. So this am when the legals are back in their office, we should have a complete answer. I am finding the situation pathetic. A hospital that is open 24/7, 365 days a year to receive all patients does not follow the same open door policy for those wanting to leave. They will accept coming in on weekends and holidays but not going out and in the mist of all the bureaucratic red tape, a man suffers needlessly.
Yes, I am going to have to work on my bitterness to the"Man." But I can say the rainbow in this waiting game has been the support I have felt from my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Yesterday, I was by myself most of the time at the hospital but I was not alone. I needed that time to think. I have started a list of all the tender mercies and miracles we have experienced over the last couple of years as a family and I am already at two full pages and counting. I also was blessed with clarity of mind and purpose to continue to be his voice and help him find his relief. In talking with Hayden and HeartLee, they also have not been alone. They have each felt in different ways and time tables, the sweetness of the Spirit comforting them and giving them the strength and conviction to continue on.
I do have family with me today for the minute we get the go ahead, we will be taking him off the ventilator and not administering anymore meds and procedures other then something for his pain and gagging. I am hopeful and prayerful that for Scott today will be a day of happy reunions.
Dessie
Monday, November 12, 2012
Yesterday morning the hospital started to "ween" Scott off his versed (sedation) and fentanyl (pain) meds with a goal to wake him up to a more responsive state. This may take a longer period of time because of his kidney condition that retains the meds in the blood longer than a healthy person. He still has his infection and everything else.
Hayden and HeartLee having been on their own anti-biotics for a sufficient time were able to see him briefly, although he was not responsive yet. We have decided that it is best for them to get back to a routine of familiarity than to feel so helpless and aimless in this waiting game. So, they flew back to BYU yesterday evening to try to move forward. No easy task we know but Scott has been so worried these past few years that his health problems would impede his family from moving on with their lives that we were certain that Scott did not want them just waiting around for something to happen. The kids and I were able to sit down with the trauma doctor and nurse to get a better understanding on the situation before they went to the airport.
There were a few rays of hope that we left with from that meeting. One is after much discussion on what Scott wants, the doctor assured us that this ethics committee decision is pure formality and their counsel would never over-ride the wishes of a united family's decision. The second was that in his "off the record opinion" that once the breathing help is withdrawn from Scott and other life supporting measures, given his condition, it would not be a long process for him to pass. He even went as far to say as he did not predict Scott to make it out of the hospital to hospice. I know that it may sound a bit callused but truly we do not want, HE did not want such a lingering situation, so that thought gave us comfort. But we know that it is not up to us or the doctors. We are learning to say with complete faith, "Thy will be done" and not ours. We hope to mean it, each time we utter the phrase.
The tenderest and most surreal moments yesterday were certainly having Hayden and HeartLee to each separately and solo to have a few moments with their Father and tell him what he already knows that he is loved dearly and profoundly by his children. Although, they received no response they both felt that he heard them. Then having to say my own good-byes at the airport and watch my children depart when I just wanted to hold them and take away their pain and have them ease mine as well was one of those moments you hope is once in a life time.
We continue to see daily the tender mercies of the Lord that assures us that He is aware of our pain and sorrow and we have felt the comfort of the Spirit enfold us as we move in a forward motion.
Dessie
Hayden and HeartLee having been on their own anti-biotics for a sufficient time were able to see him briefly, although he was not responsive yet. We have decided that it is best for them to get back to a routine of familiarity than to feel so helpless and aimless in this waiting game. So, they flew back to BYU yesterday evening to try to move forward. No easy task we know but Scott has been so worried these past few years that his health problems would impede his family from moving on with their lives that we were certain that Scott did not want them just waiting around for something to happen. The kids and I were able to sit down with the trauma doctor and nurse to get a better understanding on the situation before they went to the airport.
There were a few rays of hope that we left with from that meeting. One is after much discussion on what Scott wants, the doctor assured us that this ethics committee decision is pure formality and their counsel would never over-ride the wishes of a united family's decision. The second was that in his "off the record opinion" that once the breathing help is withdrawn from Scott and other life supporting measures, given his condition, it would not be a long process for him to pass. He even went as far to say as he did not predict Scott to make it out of the hospital to hospice. I know that it may sound a bit callused but truly we do not want, HE did not want such a lingering situation, so that thought gave us comfort. But we know that it is not up to us or the doctors. We are learning to say with complete faith, "Thy will be done" and not ours. We hope to mean it, each time we utter the phrase.
The tenderest and most surreal moments yesterday were certainly having Hayden and HeartLee to each separately and solo to have a few moments with their Father and tell him what he already knows that he is loved dearly and profoundly by his children. Although, they received no response they both felt that he heard them. Then having to say my own good-byes at the airport and watch my children depart when I just wanted to hold them and take away their pain and have them ease mine as well was one of those moments you hope is once in a life time.
We continue to see daily the tender mercies of the Lord that assures us that He is aware of our pain and sorrow and we have felt the comfort of the Spirit enfold us as we move in a forward motion.
Dessie
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Scott did not have any surgery yesterday as thought. He has developed an infection in his lung which we later found out is pneumonia. I know that this is the first of many battles with infections and his body is so weak to fight. He struggled to fight infections before he was in the accident, so I can not imagine how he could now. We are told that he continues to remain "pain free and comfortable" but is is still on life supportive equipment. He is non-responsive and I have not been able to get him to open his eyes for a couple of days.
While Scott is battling his infections, I am battling the hospital to honor Scott's wishes in his living will and his many conversations. This is not how he wants to live. I have told the hospital that we are ready to take him off the ventilator and other life sustaining measures and have hospice involved. I did speak with a representative from Hospice of the Valley and although she was very understanding and comforting, she said that she could not do anything until the hospital- Doctor signed the papers giving permission.
The hospital is not giving "permission" because they feel that his injuries are all recoverable given time. I ask recoverable to what and for how long? I have had my brother Morgan, who is a lawyer and who we worked with to draw up our wills, assisting me. We have been told because this process was started on a weekend and a holiday on Monday that the Hospital "Ethics" committee will not be able to meet until Tuesday at the earliest to give their "counsel". I have never been more frustrated at the bureaucracy of it all. I have a valid living will and knowledge of what Scott would want, but I also have a determination and mission to see his wishes carried out. I guess I do not have red hair for nothing. (Even my brother said that he was a little scared after we meet with some hospital staff! :).
Your prayers are still felt and needed. The children and I need them for strength through this waiting time and Scott needs your prayers to be able to pass in peace.
Thank you for all you do and have done for our family.
Dessie
While Scott is battling his infections, I am battling the hospital to honor Scott's wishes in his living will and his many conversations. This is not how he wants to live. I have told the hospital that we are ready to take him off the ventilator and other life sustaining measures and have hospice involved. I did speak with a representative from Hospice of the Valley and although she was very understanding and comforting, she said that she could not do anything until the hospital- Doctor signed the papers giving permission.
The hospital is not giving "permission" because they feel that his injuries are all recoverable given time. I ask recoverable to what and for how long? I have had my brother Morgan, who is a lawyer and who we worked with to draw up our wills, assisting me. We have been told because this process was started on a weekend and a holiday on Monday that the Hospital "Ethics" committee will not be able to meet until Tuesday at the earliest to give their "counsel". I have never been more frustrated at the bureaucracy of it all. I have a valid living will and knowledge of what Scott would want, but I also have a determination and mission to see his wishes carried out. I guess I do not have red hair for nothing. (Even my brother said that he was a little scared after we meet with some hospital staff! :).
Your prayers are still felt and needed. The children and I need them for strength through this waiting time and Scott needs your prayers to be able to pass in peace.
Thank you for all you do and have done for our family.
Dessie
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Dear Friends,
I am going to take a minute this morning to update you on Scott but also to thank everyone. We have seen and felt such an outpouring of love and support that we are overwhelmed with gratitude. I will not be able to probably physically thank everyone for their prayers, thoughts and help right now but I hope to someday. We just thank you and ask daily blessings upon you for your service and thoughtfulness to our family.
Now for an update. Scott's surgery on his leg was postponed until sometime today. Scott has made his wishes known through a will and verbally for a long time now. He is DNR, so there is a chance that he will not make it out of surgery. His breathing is a challenge. He was intubated before I arrived on the scene Sunday. He also has other life supportive measures, like a feeding tube. With all the medical help his breathing is okay but in a moment of clarity with Scott when he was in pre-op with the pain meds and sedatives down he communicated to me that this is not what he wants. So, if he makes it through the surgery, we will be pushing to get him extubated (spelling- way off but taking the breathing tube out) as soon as possible. I do not know the timetable here but we would love for him to come home and pass away not at the hospital but at home with Hospice. I do not know at this point.
Well, there it is without any sugar coating. On a side note, both Hayden and HeartLee have come down with something, possibly Strep. They are both on Anti-biotics but they have not been able to go to the ICU. Hence, the postponed surgery.
But I want to end on a more uplifting note. I have experienced several "tender mercies" from the Lord this past week and longer. I do not have time to share all here but I do want to mention one. Yesterday morning I felt impressed to attend the temple. It was a beautiful day and I received such a peace that I did not want to leave. I took Scott's mothers name to the temple (she passed away over a year ago and was not a member of our church). That was a special experience but in my attendance I meet a friend of the family from several years back. She was very comforting but it goes beyond that. It was not a coincidence for her husband is in the medical field and works in hospitals. He showed up at the ICU right after a very discouraging conversation with a medical staff trying to get answers. He was able to explain things better to me. He took the time to answer my questions and spoke with the nurse to get a bigger picture of what is happening. But most of all he gave me the courage to make these tough decisions and how to not be "bullied" by the medical professionals. Yes, they could "save" Scott's life. Medicine has come a long way to do that but to what quality of life and if this what Scott wanted. I will be forever grateful to him and his wife but ultimately to my Father in Heaven sending an "angel" when needed.
Again with thanks,
Dessie
I am going to take a minute this morning to update you on Scott but also to thank everyone. We have seen and felt such an outpouring of love and support that we are overwhelmed with gratitude. I will not be able to probably physically thank everyone for their prayers, thoughts and help right now but I hope to someday. We just thank you and ask daily blessings upon you for your service and thoughtfulness to our family.
Now for an update. Scott's surgery on his leg was postponed until sometime today. Scott has made his wishes known through a will and verbally for a long time now. He is DNR, so there is a chance that he will not make it out of surgery. His breathing is a challenge. He was intubated before I arrived on the scene Sunday. He also has other life supportive measures, like a feeding tube. With all the medical help his breathing is okay but in a moment of clarity with Scott when he was in pre-op with the pain meds and sedatives down he communicated to me that this is not what he wants. So, if he makes it through the surgery, we will be pushing to get him extubated (spelling- way off but taking the breathing tube out) as soon as possible. I do not know the timetable here but we would love for him to come home and pass away not at the hospital but at home with Hospice. I do not know at this point.
Well, there it is without any sugar coating. On a side note, both Hayden and HeartLee have come down with something, possibly Strep. They are both on Anti-biotics but they have not been able to go to the ICU. Hence, the postponed surgery.
But I want to end on a more uplifting note. I have experienced several "tender mercies" from the Lord this past week and longer. I do not have time to share all here but I do want to mention one. Yesterday morning I felt impressed to attend the temple. It was a beautiful day and I received such a peace that I did not want to leave. I took Scott's mothers name to the temple (she passed away over a year ago and was not a member of our church). That was a special experience but in my attendance I meet a friend of the family from several years back. She was very comforting but it goes beyond that. It was not a coincidence for her husband is in the medical field and works in hospitals. He showed up at the ICU right after a very discouraging conversation with a medical staff trying to get answers. He was able to explain things better to me. He took the time to answer my questions and spoke with the nurse to get a bigger picture of what is happening. But most of all he gave me the courage to make these tough decisions and how to not be "bullied" by the medical professionals. Yes, they could "save" Scott's life. Medicine has come a long way to do that but to what quality of life and if this what Scott wanted. I will be forever grateful to him and his wife but ultimately to my Father in Heaven sending an "angel" when needed.
Again with thanks,
Dessie
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Scott got his pick line put in successfully yesterday and was able to go through dialysis as well. We are still waiting to to hear about when his surgery will be scheduled for his leg, hopefully soon. This morning his breathing wasn't doing too well, but it has been fluctuating the past few days, which is normal. Hopefully it will improve throughout the day. Thank you so much for all your prayers and well wishes. We are very blessed to have such wonderful friends and family :)
Love,
The Harman Family
Love,
The Harman Family
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Yesterday morning Dessie, Hayden, and HeartLee met with Scott's medical team. This team consisted of: Trauma Doctor, Social Worker, Nurse Coordinator, Hospital Chaplain and Morgan (Dessie's brother and attorney for Scott). They were very impressed with how the team focused on the needs and wants of the family. They understood that Scott has been in a lot of pain for a long time. They left the meeting with a positive feeling that they would keep in compliance of Scott's Living Will while also proceed with the healing process. All of Scott's injuries from the accident are repairable but will take time to heal.
We are happy to hear that Scott's breathing continues to improve and his condition has not worsened over the last 24 hours. The most important injury to attend to right now is his leg. An operation may happen today with the focus to get mobility back in his ankle. The next injury to mend would be to go in and pin his ribs. The risk of infection is great and a continual scare in his progress.
A thought running through Dessie's mind is "Endure to the End." With your love and prayers, the Harman family is able to take one day at a time. Please keep them in your thoughts and know they appreciate the prayers and acts of thoughtfulness they have received. Thank you for your support.
We are happy to hear that Scott's breathing continues to improve and his condition has not worsened over the last 24 hours. The most important injury to attend to right now is his leg. An operation may happen today with the focus to get mobility back in his ankle. The next injury to mend would be to go in and pin his ribs. The risk of infection is great and a continual scare in his progress.
A thought running through Dessie's mind is "Endure to the End." With your love and prayers, the Harman family is able to take one day at a time. Please keep them in your thoughts and know they appreciate the prayers and acts of thoughtfulness they have received. Thank you for your support.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Serious Accident
"Be strong and of a good courage.." Joshua 1:6
Scott Harman was involved in a serious single car accident on Sunday, November 4, 2012. He fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a telephone pole. He was transported by air to Scottsdale Osborne, one of the few hospitals that can treat level 1 traumas.
He is suffering from multiple injuries including bi-lateral rib fractures, damaged lung with fluid and his left leg with multiple fractures. A provisional surgery was done where rods were inserted in his leg to stabilize it. More surgeries will be needed. He is under heavy medication. Scott's communication is minimal as he is hooked up to a breathing machine. Progress has been made though. Yesterday, the machines were doing 80% of the breathing, where as today they are doing 60%. Scott's biggest threat is infection while he is still combating dialysis and diabetes. Visitors are extremely limited in the ICU and texting is preferred to phone calls because cell phones are not allowed in use in his room.
Hayden and HeartLee flew in this afternoon from BYU. They have been a wonderful support to Dessie at this difficult time. The Harmans have felt and appreciate your prayers. Please keep them in your prayers as they take one day at a time. Thank you.
We will keep the blog updated as frequently as possible. Disclaimer: Medical terms are as accurate as possible, Dessie says.
"Find Joy in the Journey."
Thomas S. Monson
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