Happy Day for Scott

It is with great relief and joy that I ponder here Scott's passing yesterday.  Like most everything in Scott's life, it did not come easy.  But also, like most everything in Scott's life it was full of miracles.

I truly was expecting a "rubber stamp" type of decision from the legal department since the "ethics" committee had cleared their issues and was not prepared for the battle that ensued.  I was told that another meeting was to take place at 3pm because that is when the legal person could meet.  In actuality this meeting was more like an inquisition and is up to date the hardest hour of my life.  I do not know if I could describe with words what it felt like or all that transpired but in looking up how to spell inquisition, a few of the definitions stand out...."Characterized by lack of regard for individual rights, prejudice on the part of examiners and recklessly cruel punishments,"and "any harsh, difficult, or prolonged questioning." While Scott's mortal life hung in the balance of more prolonged suffering or release to the next part of his existence, the earthly powers that be were caught up with semantics of word choices, philosophizing on "quality of life" and definitions of terminal illness and survivability.  He had not marked the number 4 choice in his will that left it wide open for interpretations.  (A lesson to all who read this... He had not done so because he questioned how dialysis would work into that.. we had a conversation at the moment of signing about it and he thought he should leave it blank but his intent was very clear to me.)

There were 6 hospital staff in the room and I set beside my sweet sister-in-law, Penny and squeezed her hand so hard I am sure it will be bruised.  Also, on team Harman, was my brother Morgan via telephone and Scott's dear friend Scott Halverson that is also an attorney.  Scott Halverson was at the hospital in the morning when we got the news of the meeting and this is the beginning of the miracles and tender mercies of the day.  He immediately made calls, cleared his schedule and went to work for our Scotty.    He does not do this kind of law but one would not have know that listening to him in the room.  It felt good to be flanked on either side of us by two Priesthood holders (The speaker phone was to my right that Morgan was on and Halverson was leading the discussion on my left.). At one particular low point in the discussion the words were thrown around of finding recourse in a court of law which I knew meant more suffering for Scott and all.  In a despair that is indescribable, all I could think to do was to close my eyes and pray.  I know that I was not the only one praying.  I know that many of you were also praying yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

The situation seemed to be at an impasse and just when I was to give up all hope the situation began to change.  The trauma doctor, who really wanted to honor Scott's wishes but could not surpass the legal department, held out a solution.  If she was to ask me for permission to put in a trac (spelling?)  -the breathing tube in his throat  and a permanent feeding tube for Scott in his side, which is the course that Scott was on within days and I was to deny  that permission then their only course of action would be to have Scott on palliative or comfort care.  It was an "olive branch" direct from Heaven.  I will always be eternally grateful to that doctor for her willingness to see beyond the moment and felt that she was inspired from above.  I denied permission and the process to remove his ventilator  and other life sustaining meds and procedures began.  I think all that were involved in that room left drained from emotion.  I was literally sick to my stomach and weak in my knees and my head was whirling with thoughts of am I doing the right thing and  I began to second guess myself and the promptings and feelings that had already been confirmed to me by the Spirit.  Then I remembered reading this past week, President Henry B. Eyring's address in this past general conference, titled "Where Is The Pavilion?".  That talk seemed to be given with me in mind and what I would be going through.  In the talk he states, "Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him.  That is not easy in a world where the opinions of other human beings can have such an effect on our motives.  But it will help us recognize this truth:  God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."

 God was close to us yesterday and is today and always. It was only about an hour that Scott struggled for breath. It was gut wrenching to watch at first but then became very peaceful and almost serene.  He drew his last breath around 6:58 pm.  He was surrounded by loved ones.....myself, his sister and his friend, Scott Halverson.  I know that he was also surrounded by many others that could not be seen with my eyes.  I and Penny were able to receive priesthood blessings from the hands of our Father through Scott Halverson and Scott Maloney (another Scott friend  who came down to give our Scotty a blessing but he passed just minutes before and it turned out that I and his sister would be the benefactors of those Priesthood blessings.)

Scott's last day on earth brought many more tender mercies and miracles to add to my notebook which some day I hope to publish.

One might wonder what do you do when you have to leave your best friend and eternal companion behind.  Well, I know that Scott is seeing to it that his wife and children are comforted and then visiting, rejoicing, teaching and testifying with everyone in his path.  For me, it was a long yet peaceful drive home only to be brought to my knees with emotion to see all the cards, flowers and goodies left at my front door by ward members.  So, I warmed up a plate of food a friend had prepared for me and sat down and read all the kind words of comfort that had been written, smelled my beautiful flowers and watched "Anne of Green Gables" ( a red headed heroine of mine) and fell asleep with a peace that after the long dark night that the sun would rise again in the morning.  And it did and it will, symbolically and physically.

Dessie