On the 1st day before Christmas....

On this day before Christmas, (I think I can still claim it to be before Christmas at 11:30 pm on Dec. 24th) I am happy to have spent the day near and around family.  I must admit that it has been harder as Christmas Day approaches to not be sad and weepy as I remember all Christmases past with Scott.  He was always more excited then the kids and would be the first one up coaxing me to please let him go wake up Hayden and HeartLee.  He never could keep a secret on what he bought you for a present.  It was a good thing that he always did his shopping last minute so it was not torture for him to attempt to keep his purchase under wraps.  Which reminds me of how he bribed HeartLee since she was old enough to use scissors to wrap his gifts to me.  There was no amount of bribery that Hayden would accept to complete that task for he is following in his Father's footsteps, as I heard him plead with HeartLee to wrap his gifts this year.

I miss shopping with Scott for the kids' gifts and getting second opinions.  They will probably miss him too helping with the shopping, since he was far more generous with the finances than I was and am.   I miss seeing Scott don the Santa suit and give his belly "Ho, Ho, Hos."  I miss him admiring the Christmas decorations I and HeartLee put up.  Not that he helped with that sort of thing but he was always very complementary on the finished product.  I miss him being tickled when friends came  over with goodies and carols and he would visit with them and join in their song.  I miss him reading "T'was the Night Before Christmas Cajun Style" with his acquired mission accent (he went to Louisiana).  No body could tell a story like Scott and keep the tired and cranky kids still listening.  I missed him at every Christmas party I had to attend without him.  I missed him tonight as we participated in a family Christmas eve Nativity program.  He would mostly act  the part of a wise man or wise guy  or read the narration as his health declined. I missed him tonight as we did a new tradition of a white elephant gift exchange.  We all kept thinking how much Scott would have loved this fun because he would be fighting us for the Hot Booties and Feather hair extensions.  In all things Christmas, I  just miss him.  Perhaps that is why I am not so anxious to go to bed.

As I have been missing him and just wanting to somehow get through this season, today the season finally went through me.  Scott loved Christmas because it was about his two favorite things.  First, about the birth of our Savior and then about family.  I was reminded about that today.  I know it is late in the season to be remembering that important fact but better late then never this year.  I saw tender mercies all around me today and reflected how they have been around me always.  I do not know how I could have gone through what we have  these last couple of months without the love and support of my family and our Savior.  I thought when we decided to move back to Arizona  from Texas five years ago that it was for us to be closer to my Mom and family and help them, since my Father's death.  Little could I see how I would be the one needing help. And help them have!  I can not list everything done in our behalf because I would be at the computer until next year.  Echoing the words of Edna, I can say sincerely, if asked how I am doing that I am blessed!  Dad you were right, as always, put out positive press and you can believe it and feel it.  Thank again.

As I spent the day with my nieces and nephews directing the building of gingerbread houses in total mayhem and then the hours cleaning up the tornado that passed through our home,  my attitude sifted slowly from poor me to lucky me.  In this world where so many things go wrong and stay wrong  and people do wrong, there is still so much good I can see.  I saw that good again as I was privileged to be part of an audience to a Nativity reenactment.   That simple story of a birth of a babe in humble circumstances told year after year carries with its words such hope and power to continue on through the next year. Yes, there is sadness and hurt in this life but the good news is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The Savior was born into the world.  Our Heavenly Father does love His children.  The Atonement is a gift for everyone, all year long, all your life.  Families are only separated temporarily and the truth is I have been feeling of late that really they are not separated at all.  So, now that it is after midnight as I finish, I can wish the reader a very Merry Christmas and since these entries are Scott's present this year, I wish him also a....
 Merry Christmas!

 The future looks bright here!

Our Family Nativity Cast 2012

(Yes, Hayden is the star of the show in more ways than one.  He got the part on account of his height. and HeartLee is the producer, director, costume mistress...)

Outstanding Creations!

On the 2nd day before Christmas.....

Today is  the 2nd day before Christmas,  Dec. 23rd, but it is also the birthday of the prophet Joseph Smith. I have to mention Scott's love for this man and how his admiration helped us and others find our own sense of gratitude for this prophet of the Restoration.

Scott loved to watch Saturday morning baseball on TV as a child.  His favorite part he told me was the very beginning when the National Anthem was sung.  He said that he felt something in him swell up when he listened to that song. So when Scott first heard the First Vision story when he was about 10 years old when his Grandfather took him to church, he said that familiar "Star Spangled Banner" feeling washed over him with such a force that he cried.  I do not think that Sunday School teacher,  Gordon Reeder, who he remembered always, knew how that day was a pivotal moment for Scott.  Scott said that he just knew the minute he heard about Joseph Smith, that he was a prophet and that the Restoration of Christ's church was here on the earth.  He was blessed never to wonder again once he heard that truth.

Throughout, Scott's life he sought opportunities to not only study about the prophet Joseph Smith but also bear testimony about the prophet.  He studied constantly and was drawn to others that had a similar  quest for understanding.  He always was ready to defend the prophet and did not let the negative stories or statements waiver his conviction that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  He was even privileged to meet and help the posterity of the Prophet Joseph in various ways.  I will not be able to detail everything here because I am trying to write this with all my nieces and nephews over to spend the night and make gingerbread houses and it is crazy.  I will have to save those for another time.

Let me just say that we had the opportunity to have some special family trips centered around the Restoration and Joseph Smith.  We got to go to the Navuoo temple dedication, because of Scott's foresight in putting in for tickets to attend years before it was complete.  What a wonderful experience to attend  one of the first sessions once the temple was dedicated.  We also were able to visit some of the church historical sites in Missouri as well.  When Hayden was 14 and in his Freshman year, Scott felt that it was important to take the family to Palmyra, New York and the Sacred Grove and Kirkland Ohio.  With much sacrifice we took that trip  even when it was so cold.  I am so grateful that Scott insisted that we make that trip and that he was there to enjoy that with us.  It was an influential experience for us all, with lasting memories and giving us stronger convictions to live the gospel.

Each of us have commented on how our own testimonies have been strengthened through Scott's zeal for the Restoration of the Gospel and his love of the prophet Joseph Smith.  We are grateful to have heard him bear testimony often on the subject and receive for ourselves that "Star Spangled Banner " feeling.

On the 3rd day before Christmas....

On the 3rd day before Christmas I  am grateful that Scott got to prepare and participate in doing his mother's temple work. Scott had a very hard time attending the temple to do a session because of all the sitting and dressing but he did prepare several family names that Hayden and I would go and take through the temple.   It was a great day when Scott could prepare his own Mother's name.  His mother had passed away in July of 2011 and it was nice that Scott was around to speak at her funeral.

A year later, Scott was anxious to have his mother's temple work done and to have all four of us participate in some way.  Hayden had just come home from his mission and it was a special family affair to go and have Hayden baptism HeartLee for their grandmother.  Scott was able to do the confirmation.   We all felt a deep peace and hope when we came out of the temple that Barbara, Scott's mother, was pleased that we had done that ordinance for her.  I might add that when we went to the temple that day it was amazing how many friends that Scott and met there.  He seemed to run into someone from every phase of his life.

Since Scott had a lot of family names that needed their work finished, he would tell me when I went to  the temple to do those that had been waiting the longest first.  So, by the accident,  his mother's endowment had not been finished.  The Friday that Scott was in the hospital and everything was up in the air about his health, I decided to go and finish her work.  I felt that I needed to do that for Scott and his mother.  It was the most peaceful and encouraging few hours that I had for a long time.  I went to help someone in their progression but it was I who left buoyed up and strengthened.  Also, I might add that I met several people in the temple that day that I knew. (Candy Hunt and Kim Owens to name a few).  What comfort they were able to offer to me.  I think about the tender mercy of the timing of the whole situation, that Scott was able to help with his mother's funeral and work and feel to thank my Father in Heaven.

On the 4th day before Christmas...

On this the 4th day before Christmas, I have thought about how blessed Scott was to have such good friends in his life. Thus they have been in our lives as well and the whole family has been blessed through their friendship. Scott had the kind of friends that look past imperfections and personality quirks and see the intent and potential.  We saw what makes someone a true friend through many instances.

One trait that makes a person a true friend is when they let you go on about your interests and help foster those desires even when they do not have the same level of enthusiasm.  As a diversion to his pain and anxiety, Scott in the last months was preoccupied with BBQ equipment.  Not your average backyard BBQ but those that were used commercially and custom built by welders.  He would scour the internet for the latest and greatest available and then he would go to Craig's list to see the deals that could be made.  He used reams of paper and color ink printing out his finds.  When he found something worthy, he would call his friend John Hayes and talk shop with him.  Scott had a vision of pulling this thing around to car shows and the like and start feeding the masses.  He even thought about doing missionary work through his BBQ, by giving them meat and a Book of Mormon.  "BBQ Brothers"  was one of his prospective names and there was to be matching aprons and a lot of other accessories.

John was a patient listener for Scott because I could not hear one more thing about a BBQ.  John let Scott go on about his fantasy and even encouraged his dreams.  Scott called John when he finally found the one he could afford.  The problem was that the object of his desire was in San Diego.  Scott was ready to take off and pick it up, driving alone and with no physical ability to load it and get it home, luckily John rescued us all.  He volunteered to go pick up the BBQ trailer in California when he was there visiting his family.   The trailer arrived safely to John's home. I point out here that I had to remind  Scott that the Home Owner's here would have something to say about his parking it in front  of our house even if he did want to get a bunch of meat and cook it and then just start giving it to any neighbor who walked by.  John lives in Waddell surrounded by land, so like a great friend he offered to park it at his place. Scott was there to John's within days to see his baby.  He took pictures of it and showed those pictures around like a proud father.  He had great plans with the trailer and John and I am grateful that he died still a BBQ brother and grateful to John for allowing him that joy and hope.

Another trait of a great friend, is that they can see you at your worst and still think you are worth their efforts.  As a family, we will always be indebted to Scott Halverson for his critical and calming help in the hospital.  As previously mentioned, Scott took off from his work to help fight the legal and other battles in carrying out our Scott's desires.  With so many Scotts, I will refer to my Scott as Harman here.  Harman did not look like himself.  He did not speak.  He was hooked up to everything and quite frankly it smelled in his room but that did not stop Scott from visiting and talking with Harman.  Scott was there through that whole horrible Nov. 13th day.  He was there when they pulled out the breathing tube and when Harman drew his last breath.  Scott was a friend to the end, even when the end was so ugly.  Thank you Scott for being Harman's friend and an example of  real charity to so many.

There is yet another Scott  that must be mentioned here as well, Scott Maloney. Scott came to the hospital  several times to see Harman and even came just  moments after Scott passed. He and his wife, Aselin, are responsible for granting one of Harman's last wishes.  Harman always wanted to have the bagpipes played at his funeral.  Well, Harman may have had a wee bit of the Scottish ancestry in his blood to warrant such a display but this is Arizona.  The task was overwhelming to locate a bagpiper to play the day after Thanksgiving.  Aselin and Scott took that quest on and delivered a beautiful last tribute to my Scott with the bagpiper playing "Praise to the Man"(It is a traditional Scottish tune) and "Amazing Grace".  My Scott may not have had his dream fulfilled about singing the National Anthem in Yankee Stadium but he did have a bagpiper (a very young one I might add) play at his gravesite thanks to good friends.

Truly Hayden, HeartLee and myself have been benefactors to the friendships that Scott had with so many solid and caring people.  Their example of friendship will be our standard to replicate in our lives.

On the 5th day before Christmas...

On this 5th day before Christmas I feel to mention a few temporal blessings.  I know that our Heavenly Father is not just concerned with our spiritual matters but also is aware of our temporal concerns for the scriptures speak of the two being intertwined.  Had Scott's accident happened a mere two years ago or less, we would have been thrown on the mercy of relatives, friends and the Church to help with many of our temporal needs.  The only life insurance Scott carried was what I could get through my benefits at work.  He had his own business and he could not pass any medical exam that would have given him any insurance.  The amount I carried was minimal,  not even enough to cover all the funeral expenses.  In this state of affairs, I feel that Father knew our deep concern and worry.

Just right after Hayden went on his mission and Scott started his year of hospital visits, he closed his business.  It was a time of great financial uncertainty and Scott tried a couple of companies for employment but when they understood his medical condition of being on dialysis, they did not want to hire him as an employee just as a contract relationship, so that his medical expenses would not make their insurance payments rise. (I told him not to share that information with possible employers.  It is not legal for them to ask, so why tell.  But he did anyway.)  We were pretty disappointed and fretted over what to do.  The medical insurance was through my work and my whole pay check went to that need.  Enter Sharp to the rescue.  He did not tell them of his medical issues and they did not know for awhile because his performance exceeded their expectations.

We eventually got medical insurance and I got my paycheck back.  Scott got their standard life insurance and then he opted for additional life insurance.  He even got accidental insurance which I was not aware he had. I marvel that he died by injuries sustained in an auto accident, at least that is what his death certificate states.  Scott was always looking out to get and make the best possible deal!  I stand with my mouth open in awe that a man that had end stage kidney failure and diabetes and all it's parasite problems should have the cause of death be an accident.  I know that many would not see the tender mercy in that situation.  But it would be those that have not seen the steady deterioration and decline mentally and physically of a loved one through those diseases.  There is no remission stage.  There is no cure.  It is a long drawn out death.  I know that accident speeded up Scott's desire to get to his destination but I can't help to feel that as painful as those 10 days in the hospital were for all, he was happy to have an end in sight to his pain.

Sharp, not only provided us with insurance options but also gave HeartLee a scholarship to help with her college this first year.  The benefits were not just one sided in the employment arrangement.  Scott was able to bring Tempe Sharp to one of the highest profit margin writing branches in the company.   He made the company a lot of money in a short time.  He enjoyed working there and felt the bosses were fair and decent people, as well as, the support staff.

Scott always gave credit to our Father for any deal he closed.  He always felt inspired and lead to people, places and what value he could see to offer them.  An example of this happened on the last day of October of this year.  Scott felt directed and divinely influenced in a deal that he closed Halloween day.  That was just days before his accident.  I remember calling him, late in the day,  and asked what he was doing and he replied that he was praying for he had just found himself alone in the office and took that moment to give thanks to Father for "placing that deal in his path".  The commission on that deal was to sustain us while we sort out everything this year.

As unsettling as the future sometimes looks for us,  all three of us know that we have been blessed temporally in ways that only a loving Father could orchestrate.

On the 6th day before Christmas....

On this the 6th day before Christmas, I am pleased to remember a little trip that Scott and I took to La Posada in Winslow, AZ.  We used to take a lot more little trips but since he was on dialysis that really changed things.  It was hard to travel being on dialysis and we could only go places within driving distance on a Saturday and Sunday.  We had wanted to plan a little trip for a long time  and had put if off several times for varying reasons.  I remember Scott saying that we should drop everything else and just go before it was too late.  I thought that was a bit final of him to say but in hind sight he was right.

We were going to plan a trip the Labor Day weekend because we both had a holiday that Monday but because I had to teach at church we did not go.  As it turned out that was a good decision because that is when Scott and HeartLee had their chance to bond which I wrote about yesterday.  We choose the next weekend to go.  I had never been to this place and was a bit leery of going to Winslow and finding anything interesting or beautiful.  I was wrong and happy to be so.

It was a beautiful drive up there through Payson and Strawberry on Highway 87. On the way up there we stopped at a honey store and bought some Arizona honey and took in the local flavor.  I think Scott stopped at this really sweet store for me so I would be more inclined to stop for his kind of a store next.  Little did I know that he had it already picked out and knew exactly what he wanted to get there. So a ways down the road he had me pull into a country general store that sold anything you could want. It looked so quaint and innocent as I browsed around and left Scott to do the same.  At the check out, I met Scott and saw in his hands a Daisy BB gun rifle and ammo!  What in the world is he thinking I wondered.  Scott proceeded to sell me on the idea of how important it is for him to get this gun.  He tried the , "Get rid of the pesky pigeons" route then the unfulfilled childhood dreams tactic and then pleaded that this BB gun would be our mutual hobby for which we had been searching.  All I could think of was trouble with the Home Owner's Association, broken treasures (because Scott  really had limited feeling in his hands and limited eyesight) and that he would shot his eye out like in the Christmas Story.

Although, I did not think it was the wisest  of purchases, I am relieved to say that we paid the cashier and Scott walked out of that country store like a little kid who had just got the toy he had dreamed about.  I think Scott got to load (which was hard for him to do) and fire that gun once or twice. We never went out shooting at tin cans but I am so glad that I went against reason that day and let him get something that made no sense.  So with a BB gun and honey in the back we arrived at La Posada in Winslow.

I must put an unpaid endorsement here.  If you want unusual, historical and eccentric then you need to make a trip to Winslow and stay at La Posada.    It is a renovated train station that still has trains passing by and has become an artistic haven.  The grounds are attractive, the history fascinating and the food at the Turquoise room make it all worth the trip. I also got the chance to visit the sight of Brigham City just outside Winslow were my great grandparents lived and met.  My father was really hoping to get Brigham city restored to its former glory and be preserved as a historical place of interest.  It is not quite there yet but it was neat to walk around a place where you knew that your ancestors had walked around also.

Winslow has taken on new meaning for me now.  It is not the sad, run down city of its former Route 66 days but is the destination of a sweet memory with Scott.  I am grateful to have taken the time and resources to make that little trip before it was too late, as Scott prophesied it would be if we did not just seize the day.

On the 7th day before Christmas.....

On the 7th day before Christmas, I want to write about an experience that demonstrated the great parenting skills Scott had for his older children.  He relied heavily through his life on listening to the Spirit and then acting upon the inspiration he received.  I look back at the incident and sigh with wonder how the timing and solution were so appropriate for the situation and for the future.

On Labor Day weekend of this year HeartLee, being a new college coed at BYU and wanting to explore her new found freedom planned a trip to visit a good friend attending college in Cedar City.  She got the permission to take the truck (from Hayden because they share the vehicle) and made us aware of her plan.  We were okay with the plan until we got a text early Sunday morning that said something like, "We are going to Las Vegas today."    I do not even remember if it was in question form or just a statement because I was busy finishing a lesson I had to give in RS that day and did not look at my phone.  Luckily, Scott was close to his phone always.

We were a bit shocked by the text.  That was not in her previous agreed upon plan and it was Sunday morning and so when was church in the agenda, we wondered.  We felt sort of stuck between a hard place and a rock as parents.  If we texted back, "Okay, thanks for telling us", we are condoning the plan, giving the impression that we think it is great idea for teen-age girls to go to Las Vegas on Labor Day week-end having never been before and skipping church to do it.  If we texted back, "No way, stupid plan,"  we get the you don't trust me dialogue and the possible recourse of her never letting us know what she is planning.  As we discussed the options, we felt neither had beneficial consequences.  At this point, I sort of left it up to Scott to take care of while I worked on the lesson.

He came up with a third option that I thought was a brilliant alternative.  He texted back, "If that is what you have decided, I will meet you in Las Vegas for dinner." She would either text back,  "Never mind, not going now" or "Okay, see you in Vegas."  She choose the later and it proved to be the best opportunity for some father and daughter bonding.

I was teaching RS as stated and felt that I could not just drive up to Las Vegas and leave everyone in a pickle but nor did I want Scott to drive up alone.  (If he had it would have been a different outcome to the story.)  Here is where a tender mercy happened.  We get a call from the father of the friend who HeartLee was visiting saying that he wanted to drive up to Las Vegas with Scott to see the girls.   I think the girls put him up to that because HeartLee knew her Dad could not make it alone but I do not know for sure.   I am forever grateful to the other father who sacrificed to make that drive and did most all the driving.  So both fathers, left on Sunday morning to go have dinner with their girls in Las Vegas.

HeartLee's reaction to her father "crashing" in on her plans of freedom was tender.  Instead of being angry or frustrated at her dad, Scott felt that she was so excited to see him and hugged on him even if it had only been a couple of weeks since she left for college.  They dined at Hard Rock Cafe, went to the Coke-Cola museum and walked around a bit.  Scott got some hotel rooms, so the girls would not drive back that night to Cedar City.  Scott, turned in earlier and the other father drove the girls around town some more.  In the morning they ate breakfast together before they parted ways to go back home.

Although, Scott came home exhausted from the overnight trip, he was so glad that he could do that and be with his daughter.  We all reflect at that experience and see how our Father  in Heaven loves his children enough to inspire a new plan that would work for everyone to receive benefits.  I am truly going to miss, as will Hayden and HeartLee, Scott's creative and inspired parenting techniques but I am so grateful to have witnessed them in action this past Labor Day.

On the 8th day before Christmas....

On the 8th day before Christmas, I cherish the memory of Scott holding me and telling me with an intensity how much he loved me in a tender moment before he left the house on November 4th.

On the 9th day before Christmas....

On this the 9th day before Christmas I find contentment as I reflect upon the last few days, hours and minutes before Scott's accident, because I realize that in those moments he was able to see and contact some of his best friends in this life.  Scott was blessed with good friends on his life's journey.  When we married I marveled at the depth of connection that he had with people he knew, some since he was a young boy.  I did not have that continued relationship with anyone from my youth besides my family.  I soon realized that he survived some of his difficult growing up years  and his subsequent difficult health challenges because he was surrounded by good people.

The Friday before his accident he had invited several old friends to come to a Sharp Open House event.  Like good friends many came to see what Sharp had to offer but mostly to render support for Scott.  They may have had some food from the event but what we got was a treasured picture that someone took of Scott with his friends.  In fact, it is on this blog under the first post.   Those pictured are his brother-in-law Chris Beckley, John Hayes, Brent Ellsworth, Scott Maloney, Stephen Follet and Scott Halverson.  How blessed he was to see these good men just days before his accident. Many indicated that Scott was at his best and showed such enthusiasm that day.  We even got to go out that night with some new friends from our ward and fellow Texans the Palmers.

Saturday brought even more reunions.  We got to attend the Grand Opening of  Piefection, a pie shop opened by Bill and Cheryl Standage.  Despite how very busy the store was, Bill took Scott and I on a tour of the facility and answered our questions.  Scott was so excited for their new business venture and to see the Standages.  As we were driving away, Scott spotted another friend pulling in, Ross Farnsworth and family and he had me turn around to go see him.  I am glad that I did not protest. They were reunited with loud greetings, embraces and a very awkward kiss.  You would have to know that there never were two louder or uninhibited men then that duo.  We all caught up a bit and bought a few more pies and left having the satisfaction of reconnecting with some great people.

Just minutes before his accident, Scott was allowed the privilege to converse with one of his dearest friends, Wayne Lewis.  When Scott first saw Wayne, he had a deep connection to him, like they had known each other for many years.  They just "Hit it Off".  They both had similar interests and concerns.  They loved to talk about, study and learn about the Restoration, Church history and loved the prophet Joseph Smith dearly. It is a mutual admiration society that seemed to have formed between them.  Having Wayne Lewis as a friend helped Scott deal with his health issues in a valiant way.  When he needed a pick me up in spirits, he would go visit or talk with Wayne.  Besides the police and medical staff,  Wayne was the last person to converse with Scott and that makes me content.

As I review those last few days before Scott's accident, I certainly see the tender mercies that he was given to be by those people whom he loved.  I think it was a very good send off.  I see it being  orchestrated by a loving Father in Heaven and I am very gratified that he was allowed to have those sweet moments.

On the 10th Day before Christmas.....

On this the 10th day before Christmas I am grateful to my sister Angela when she mentioned to me at the beginning of this year that she thought we should give Scott a surprise birthday party.  I was not very interested in the idea.  I told her that I wanted to wait until Hayden got home from his mission and besides 57 is such an odd number of a birthday to celebrate.  I thought we should wait until he was turning 60.  She continued to tell me she thought we should still throw the party and that she would help me organize the affair.  I am so  thankful that I took my sister's advice for obviously I would have regretted waiting to throw him a party.

We put a party together for his birthday on Feb. 18th of this year at my mother's home.    We made it a salute to a "Great All -American Guy"with a patriotic theme for this election year.  My niece, Adle, helped me put together a DVD of Scott's life with music and subtitles.  Priceless to have now. We invited the best men from our wedding and asked them to say a few words.  It had been years since those four were together at the same time.   Several men, who were young men when Scott worked with them in Scouts and the YM organizations came to help celebrate.  We had lots of family and friends come to show support.

HeartLee put together a memory book for Scott, of all the experiences people remembered about Scott.  We have some great stories and tributes to him.  Scott so loved to read through those letters.  He even got a letter from his High School principal and Bishop as a youth, who was about 90.  It was a great celebration of his life, even though he had to come sick from the Flu shot he received at dialysis.  HeartLee got him to come in his pajama bottoms and jacket for I was already at the party.  We had to move a recliner chair for him to sit in and receive guests.  I almost called and cancelled the event when we was not well that morning.  I am glad that we proceeded with everything and that Susan Stidam was there to take pictures of the event for posterity sake.

I reflect upon how that whole birthday party seemed under  he hand of Providence and I am indebted to my sister's inspiration and help.

On the 11th day before Christmas....

On this the 11th day before Christmas I have been pondering how grateful I am that Scott was in just a  single car accident, as opposed to a multiple car accident.  I know that sounds a bit calloused but let me explain.  Scott's perfect driving record of no wrecks had been altered this last year.  He had two other incidents that were fender benders. We were often scared driving with him because we would look over at him and it seemed his eyes were closed as he was driving.  He always said that they weren't....but we were still nervous and tried to just keep the conversation going and keep him awake.  He did not often let me have the chance to do the driving through the years but more lately and especially at night he did give up the wheel.

I felt that it was getting close to having to have an intervention, so to speak, about telling him that he could not drive anymore.  That was something I dreaded and procrastinated for it would have emasculated him.  How do you tell a 57 year old man that he can not drive anymore thus affecting his ability to provide for his family?  Well, it never happened because I was still gathering up the courage. If someone else had been hurt in the accident, I know that I would not have survived the guilt and I know that Scott would have mourned.  On a Sunday morning just a few miles from home he hit a light pole...I just marvel at that no one else was involved .  I do rejoice that no one else was hurt.  I consider that a tender mercy.

I must add here that I am so relieved and grateful that my kids just came home safely from BYU.  They finished finals yesterday and were on the road today with rainy weather and I have been on pins and needles all day and it did not stop when they came in and told me about a little piece of paper HeartLee acquired on the trip.  A little something that said she was clocked going about 19 miles over the speed limit somewhere in Nevada.  It would be HeartLee because Hayden's friends say he drives like a grandma.  But the tender mercy here is that she was only given a warning.  I am so glad that the officer was in the Christmas spirit and I am so glad they are safely home now for awhile.

On the 12th day before Christmas....

(Any reader should note that I have not ranked these tender mercies in order of importance or significance (for they all are treasures to us) but  I am documenting them as they come to my remembrance. )

On the 12th day before Christmas......I am so grateful that Scott was able to be here for Hayden's mission and to see him come home from his mission. There are so many reasons why this fact is truly a blessing to us.  I will literally list some reasons.

1- Nobody loved missionary work like Scott.  If Scott had passed when Hayden was on his mission (which was such a close possibility with his being in the hospital on four different occasions in the first 6 months of his mission), Hayden's mission experience would have been so altered.  But  Scott was able to counsel Hayden in the work and he sensed things that I had no clue on and would not have been able to give advice on.  Hayden was able to give his mission his best efforts without worrying  about what was going on at home. We both loved having a missionary in the field.  We felt truly blessed by Hayden's service.

2- Scott was able to spend some  quality time with a post-mission son.  Scott got to hear Hayden speak at Sacrament meeting, see him work long, hard hours in the heat at his job during the summer, converse upon gospel topics and about the mission experience, eat Mexican food together  and see the man Hayden has become.

3-  Scott even got to do some special things when Hayden came home, like going to see the Beach Boys in concert in New Mexico.  Hayden shares Scott's love of all things Beach Boys.  Scott splurged on some front row tickets to the 50 year commemorative concert and Brain Wilson was even with the band that night!  The concert was great but even better was the fact that our brand new returned missionary son did not have a cell phone yet and was still media shy and we got to have that long drive to New Mexico to talk with him.

4-  Going together to the Priesthood Session of General Conference at the Conference Center in Salt Lake City was a gift for Scott and Hayden.  Thanks to our friend Dan Gallup, Scott and Hayden went together to the Priesthood session like they had done locally before Hayden's mission.  Scott so looked forward to going to those sessions with his son.  They even got a picture together in the Conference Center which is posted on this blog, the first entry.  Scott was not well enough to attend the Sunday morning session of General Conference which we had tickets to, so his attendance to the Priesthood session was significant.  I need to mention here that we had never before travelled to General Conference session at the Conference Center!

5-  On that trip to go to General Conference with the kids who are at BYU, I decided that we should get a family picture taken with the beautiful changing leaf colors.  We had not had a family picture for about 3 years since Hayden had been gone to college and a mission.  Melissa Gallup (again the Gallup family gave us some real family treasures with that trip) was gracious enough to take some time to do that for us in the canyon by her home. The pictures turned out great when we could get Scott to stop making faces and be serious a bit.  I do not think any of us knew how important those photographs would be, so very soon...only a month difference would have made that possibility an impossibility .  That trip was something that Scott really wanted to do even though it was a very hard trip for him to make physically.  I will be eternally glad that we made that effort because so many blessings have come from that trip and to have those memories with Scott is priceless.

6- On selfish note, I am so relieved that Scott did not die when Hayden was on a mission.  I would have been devastated without access to a close family member to give blessings.  At Scott's accident and hospital stay, Hayden was able to give me a Priesthood blessing through which I found comfort.  I can not imagine going through this experience without being able to talk freely to both of my children.

We are truly blessed that Scott did not pass away while Hayden was still in the mission field.  Those four months with both Scott and Hayden here or as close as a call away are precious to us each.

Ode to Edna and Brent

It has been awhile since my last post and the reason is not so simple.  I would say a combination of excuses would explain....overwhelmed, angry, exhausted with so much to do and so little desire to do any of it.  They say grieving is work.  I would say grieving is hard labor, as you toil emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and spiritually.....there is not an area in your life that is not affected.

Well,  it has been a month and I have decided that I want to change my mind and choose door number three instead.  Whatever door number 3 holds? Or maybe it is door number 2?  All I know is that the door I opened, I want to close it quickly.

Since that is not happening, I have been trying to come to terms with my new situation and in the process have thought about  two people who taught me volumes in life lessons with just a few words.  First, I want to mention Sister Edna Satterwaite.  We were living in South Austin, in the Sunset Valley Ward when I first met Edna.  She was a recent convert to the church and I loved the hats she would wear each Sunday.  One Sunday, I was walking up one end of the hallway at church and she was coming down the other end and as we crossed paths, I took that moment to ask how she was doing.  I expected to hear a "Just Fine" or  a, "Hanging in there." But to my surprise, she uttered none of those. Her child like and effortless response of three words has adhered to me since.  She replied, "I am Blessed." 

I was taken back by the sincerity in her voice when she answered.  I knew a little about Edna's life and from what I knew, I did not think that anyone would call her life blessed.  She was older and lived alone in government housing in a questionable neighborhood.  She had a myriad of health challenges as well as financial concerns.  She did not have children to help her and she had been forsaken by those in life who should have been there for her.  Yet, when she spoke those trio of words, I felt that she meant it.  She seemed to be focusing on what she did have in her life.

She recently had come to the knowledge that she had a loving Father in Heaven that sent His Son to atone for our sins and His gospel has been restored to the earth.  She now belonged to a group of women that cared about her, visited her and had a home teacher and Bishop looking in on her.  I do not think Edna knew how her response to my standard social question affected me.  I obviously do not remember every reply given to me when I inquire how someone is doing but I did remember Edna's.  Thank you Edna for your example of knowing what it means to be blessed.

The second person, I have thought about a lot recently is my father, Brent Whiting Brown.  My father gave us lots of good advice in word and more importantly in deed.  But, I have been reflecting on a phrase that he used to say, "Be careful what you put out there or you'll start believing your own press." He usually was found to say that thought when one of us kids were saying how hard it was to do something or other and we just could not do it.  Or when we were saying that we were not smart enough, talented enough, cute enough, etc. to do something.

I often found it a bit annoying that he would respond that way.  I felt like I wanted more sympathy from him.  But being a lot wiser he knew that we could be swayed into thinking we could not do something if we were always found putting out negative press about it.  He also knew that the reverse was true, if we put out some positive press like, "I can do this" or  "This problem is not so big," that we  would be able to conquer.  It has taken me years to completely understand his truism.  Thank you Dad for not allowing me to wallow in self-pity and showing me what positive press can do.

Although, both Edna and my father are no longer with us on this earth, I dedicate these next posts to their influence and example.  As tomorrow makes the one month mark  (I promise not to commemorate every anniversary date), it also makes it 12 days before Christmas. So to put out some positive press about how blessed I really am and to start documenting all the tender mercies and miracles we have experienced, I am going to write a daily entry to Christmas Day.

This will be my present to Scott this year.  He was always so hard to come up with a new idea for a gift.  I think he will appreciate this year's effort, especially since it will not cost anything but time.

It's Official....

I officially went back to work this week trying to get back into a normal routine but I realize that this will now be a new type of "normal" for me.  I  also picked up the much sought after and waited for death certificates this week.  There is something so final as you read the names, dates and places on this official document.  I find it ironic that in this technologic age where the mantra of the day is, "Go paperless" that progress should come to a halt until eyes witness and hands feel this bona fide document.  I ask here,"Shouldn't there be an App available for all  this?"  Nothing can move forward until you have this piece of paper, of which you pay for every copy needed.  This dying business is BIG business and someone, somewhere is making a  BIG profit!

It is insulting to be trying to take care of an issue and explain the situation only to be told that there is nothing to be done until this death document is produced because the cracking in your voice and tears in your eyes are not enough.  Everything must be proved in our society.  Your birth must have a piece of paper saying it really did happen.  Despite what is said of you at your funeral by loved ones, your life is formally measured by that all important Social Security card and number and your death does not become validated until the proper seal says so.  The funeral, burial and obituary are all preliminary steps to the final authorization - the death certificate....Yes, I am still working on my bitterness to the "man".

I think if there was one experience this week that summed up how definite my new normal is, it would be my trip to the Mesa Scout shop and subsequent dinner at Cracker Barrel.  When Scott and I were Cub Masters, we had a custom that when we needed to go pick up awards at the Scout shop that we would make it a Saturday morning date.  We would go to Cracker Barrel (the best breakfast in town) which is by the Scout Shop and the only time we went there was in connection to going to the Scout Shop.  Scott was like a kid in a candy store at the Scout shop and we always left with two different receipts, one for what we needed for our Cub Scouts and one for what Scott thought he needed.  Those working at the Scout shop loved to see him come in,  I think he helped their quota.  He even bought a pair of custom dress pants from the Scout shop and almost got the matching blazer with Scout insignia...but his size?!.

I am like a kid in a candy shop at the Cracker Barrel gift shop...wait that is a candy shop.  Actually, Scott was just as guilty at this shop, too.  We bought candy for the candy drawer at home that Scott instituted for our nieces and nephews, to win their affections he would say. Well, word got out, so the ward and neighborhood kids, too!  We bought those old fashioned candy sticks to have contests with our nieces and nephews on who could make the sharpest point at the end.  Scott would be our test pin cushion and judge because you knew you had the sharpest point if Uncle Scott with his neuropathy could feel it. We loved to browse in the DVD section at all the old television series and walk down memory lane seeing all the replicas of the toys we grew up playing (his being a decade older, than mine of course.)

What I wore at his funeral was even a tribute to our Cracker Barrel dates.  The last time we were at Cracker Barrel together, he spotted that blouse and insisted that it was my color and matched my eyes  perfectly and I needed to get it.  I really did not think it was my style and I remember thinking who buys clothes from Cracker Barrel...well I guess I do and I am glad that I bought the blouse that day. We also loved to see the decorations for each holiday at the gift shop.  I regret  not letting him buy the $200 floor sculpture of an eagle that he wanted  for his "man cave" around the 4th of July.  I am a bit too "prudent" in comparison to his nature but hopefully that will serve me well now.  Besides, I would have had to figure out what to do with a floor size eagle now?

Anyway,  I gathered up some Scouting memorabilia that Scott had collected through the years, mostly from ebay and Craig's list, to donate to the holiday fundraiser that the Council was running this month. I know Scott would support that endeavor.  I took the long drive to the Scout shop to drop off the items thinking that this would be a nice tribute to his love of Scouting and not thinking how it would affect me.  For the first time ever, I walked out of the Scout shop not having spent a cent!  Then I looked longingly at Cracker Barrel and realized I was hungry.  What harm could there be just getting a bite to eat? I debated on whether I should get some food to go or sit down and eat.  I was hungry right then and it was too long of a drive home to wait, so I opted to eat there.  Mistake.

The cute young hostess made a point of mentioning when walking to seat me, "Oh, you're all by yourself?"  "Yes", I shyly relied wondering if she was going to announce that on the intercom to everyone. "Can I seat you in the back?" came her next question. "Yes", again was my response, as I wondered if the back was the "special" place for those of us who came in alone.  It was awkward  and it became increasingly worse as I was handed a menu, a flood of memories washed over me and I could hardly relay my order to the waiter.  So between bites of trout and spoonfuls of sweet potato, I sat there feeling pretty sorry for myself and tried not to make eye contact with my neighbors.  The official status of my situation came down on me full force...widow.

I was rescued by a call from my son, Hayden.  We talked as I chewed and wiped my eyes. He told me about his going to the temple that week and about the morning ritual that he and HeartLee have
each Saturday of going to eat bagels at Einsteins together. He mentioned that with his new calling in his ward that he has to help get missionary papers ready to submit for others. I even heard him tell a  buddy that had come to pick him up for some weekend fun  that he would have to wait until he finished this call because he was talking to his mother.  He ended the call by telling me how much he loved me and how important I was to him and HeartLee and how he could not wait to come home for Christmas.  I had just recently had a similar conversation with HeartLee.  (I know they take turns calling to check on Mom-it is cute.)

By the time we ended the conversation and my meal, it dawned on me that I really cannot feel too sorry for myself.  I have two children that have not dropped out of school or life because they lost their dad.  They are still trying to do everything they should and live the gospel daily and not let this circumstance diminish their testimonies but rather grow from it instead.  I know that there will be more times ahead where my "singleness" is insensitively pointed out and I might even be seated again in the back somewhere but with the thoughtfulness that surrounds me, I cannot stay down for long.

This week I have been the recipient of flowers sent by friends who just wanted me to know that I was being thought of,  treats lovingly dropped off with offers of help, Christmas lights put up, a Sonic run of a Cherry Limeade just like Scott used to get for me,  an invite to dinner at someone's home, a beautiful frame bought for Scott's picture, comforting cards in the mail, calls, emails and texts of support and hugs and kisses even from boys-(okay they are four years old but hey, they count).  I even was told that I was loved a thousand and 5 times, only to be out done by the little girl who said that she loved me a "google" (I think that is a lot).  With all these gestures of kindness I can officially say.......  Yeah, I am a  widow but I am a blessed widow.

Uncle Albert and spoonfuls of sugar

The past few days have been surreal.  All three of us have commented of how dreamlike this all seems, particularly driving home from the cemetery, we wondered truly did we just bury our father, husband and friend?  During that hour drive home,  I speculated to myself what would be my waking thoughts the next morning.  To my surprise, I awoke to visions of  the "Mary Poppins" movie.  That is correct, the umbrella traveling, magic carpet bag carrying, "practically perfect" nanny and her comrades.

I was perplexed initially, supposing that I had crossed the line from the sane to insanity, for I always felt  that was a fine line of distinction.  But upon further reflection, I conclude that it was appropriate that the day after Scott's funeral that the film "Mary Poppins" would be at the forefront of my rumination.  After all, "Mary Poppins" was a very big part of our lives for awhile.

Here, I admit to using the VCR as a babysitter just a few times when Hayden was young, not yet 3.  Okay, perhaps more than a few times because Hayden was fascinated with this movie to the point of wanting to become Bert.  We would find him walking funny around the house with his pants pulled down to his knees.  I know, one can state the obvious at this point ... like father, like son.  A few of you may have had the unfortunate experience of seeing Scott with his pants dropped to his knees also. (The poor Stanger family has had more than their fair share.) Harman men!  But, unlike Scott, Hayden was doing this deliberately for each time we pulled them up to their proper position, he would pull them back down and begin his particular walk.  Finally, we asked him one day what was he doing with this antic and he replied that he was Bert.  The Bert who pulled his pants down to his knees to dance with the penguins in the "Jolly Holiday" song.

Hayden's obsession did not stop there.  It was Halloween time and when we inquired what Hayden would like to dress up as, he without any hesitation, replied that he wanted to be Bert.  Well,  Bert is a decent enough role model....he is funny, he can sing and dance, he is resourceful (think about how many jobs Bert has in the movie), he is helpful  and he certainly has charisma but where in the world would I be able to find a Bert costume for a three year old?  I decided that the easiest Bert to portray was the chimney sweep Bert.  With black pants and jacket,  a red scarf around his neck, his face smeared with "soot",  head donned with a cap and a "chimney sweep" broom  in hand, Hayden went door to door seeking candy and doing a little dance each time.... Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey,  chim chim cher-ee!

So, Mary Poppins and the Harmans have a history.  But, the scene that I awoke to Friday morning was when Mary, Bert and the kids go and try to help Uncle Albert out of his predicament.  If you remember, Uncle Albert had the challenge of floating  upwards when he thought of funny things and got to laughing too hard.   "I love to Laugh, Loud and long and clear, I love to laugh, It's getting worse every year..."   Perhaps, I see a bit of Scott in Uncle Albert's character, always looking for the humor and light side of life.  Anyway, his rescuers find him at the top of his ceiling and he is soon joined by the others who can not resist.  All except Mary, who remains on ground and frustrated at their folly.  Soon, unable to get them down, she brings their tea to them but when it is time for them to get going she tells them to start thinking of sad things and they will be able to come down.  At this point, I acutely remember, feeling their pain of having to come down from the levity that kept them afloat.  Who really wants to intentionally think of sad things?

As I descend from the adrenaline rush that has kept me numbed and "afloat",  I do feel a bit more of the  reality of Scott's passing with each day.  Although, I may have hit solid ground now, I know that I will not decline any further because of the "Spoonfuls of Sugar" I keep being administered.  So abundant and frequent are these spoonfuls of  sugar that I know my level of gratitude may be dangerously high.
May I give a partial list here of these spoonfuls:

-Friends and family that would donate so much of their time on Thanksgiving evening to set up a wonderful and fitting display of Scott's life- The tie idea was not mine but the credit needs to be given to Kathe Smithson.  Thank you!

-Everyone who would take time out of the day after Thanksgiving, even on a Black Friday, and come and be with us.  We are thankful to you each!

-Friends and family that travelled from a far (some all night and early morning) to be with us for Scott's celebration.  We are touched!

-The fun and inspiring stories shared about Scott's influence on your lives.  Treasures!

-All the behind the scenes work of setting up chairs and tables and providing, serving and cleaning up after a delicious meal that strengthened.  We do not even know all the names to which we are indebted. But we thank you for your contribution!

-The winks, hugs  and smiles of love, giving us confidence, as we passed you by, walking  behind the casket. Appreciated!

-All the help in making Scott's celebration so memorable.  The music was a perfect tribute- The arrangement of "A Poor Wayfaring Man" was excellent.  Thanks to the Maloneys, Scott even got to have his wish of a bagpiper playing at his graveside. The words  and prayers spoken gave hope to our hearts and will linger lovingly always. Thank  you John, Scott M, Scott H, Morgan and Bishop.  For all these spoonfuls we are truly and eternally indebted!

There is more. Oh, so much more...

Mary Poppins was right, a spoonful of sugar does help the medicine down.....in the most delightful way.

Obituary

A very nice obituary and tribute was paid to Scott in the Arizona Republic. If you don't have a copy of today's paper, you can find it online.

Omissions, blunders and bloopers

First, I must correct my directions I gave on the invite I sent out about Scott's Celebration on this Fri. Nov. 23rd.  I said that the Desert Ridge Stake Center was on the left side of Signal Butte.  It is not. The church will be on the RIGHT side of the street.  Thanks to a friend who caught the mistake.  Hopefully,  everyone has google or some GPS thing.  What ever did we do before those?  I guess there is always the good old roll down the window and ask someone for directions...nay, that is an ancient technique.

Second, I failed to mention in the invite that instead of flowers, perhaps you might consider becoming of friend of the Boy Scouts of America and donate to this organization that Scott held close to his heart.
He was their biggest cheerleader and could boast  (but never did) of helping many a boy reach Eagle by being relentless in his "motivation" (lectures) to them.

Third, I want to sincerely thank my Bishop for so many things but most recently for helping me out of an awkward situation.  You see, going back to church the first time alone after losing a spouse, is difficult to say the least.  The questions, the hugs, the looks of people not knowing what to say....all can be built up in one's mind before it even happens.  I knew it would not get any easier if I waited to go another week.  That would just procrastinate the agony.  I called a friend and convinced her that she needed a ride to church and that I was the only one who could do it.  I am duty driven and if I knew someone was counting on me to get them there, then I would see it done and could not back out.  Besides, it was the children's Primary Program, which I look forward to with great anticipation each year.  I did not want to miss that for it never disappoints.

So I walked in, sat with my friend on the first row and wished that the bright neon sign above my head that read "Grieving Widow" with an arrow pointing to me would stop flashing.  When the Bishop arose to conduct, he first gave some announcements and on top of his list was the reminder about Scott's funeral service  celebration on Friday.  I could feel all eyes upon me, burning in the back of my head.  Should I grab a tissue and wipe the corner of my eyes?  Should I turn around and wave and smile and say something like, "Ya'll come on over, ya hear!"  I did not know what was proper protocol at that moment, so I just sat there wishing that the focus would go somewhere else.  That is when the Bishop rescued me.

He proceeded to give an announcement about our ward "Christmas Hoe down" celebration coming soon.  Well, let us just say, he got a bit disoriented and made a comment in complete innocence that ultimately brought snickers from the congregation, then continued to roll on with full laughter when others caught on to what he  had said.   It was a larger than normal number in the congregation because so many had come to see their grandchildren and  family in the program and the giggles reflected that increase.  He had been a long time on the rode recently,  had not seen his family for weeks and returned to ward problems, such as a recent widow.  He was tired I am sure. That is one idea for a disclaimer.

Another idea has crossed my mind.  I think he wanted to help me from feeling inept in this new situation.  For no longer did I feel people cared or even noticed me.  They were too embarrassed for the Bishop or trying to catch their breath as they held their stomaches from aching.  I feel his faux pas was truly in the category of being charitable.  So, thank you Bishop for taking the heat off me.

It has been said that laughter is the best medicine.  I have felt better and will every time I think of that Sunday scenario. It will be a bright spot.  So do not consider it a blunder for I consider it a blessing in disguise.  My only regret, is that Scott was not there to laugh with me.

Angels at Walmart

Today I learned something that Scott had learned long ago......that Walmart can be a place of hope and healing.  I see you smirking but I can say it's true!

When Scott could not sleep at night, which was every night, he would put on his pajama bottoms of a certain print and would slip on a shirt of another print and grab some slippers that were once a nice tan but were now black with wear, not even bothering to comb his hair and head over to our local 24 hour Walmart.

Why and what would he do there you might wonder?  Well, the why, certainly had something to do with how he was dressed.  He felt right at home.  He said he got no more strange looks from others than anyone else got.  It was well lit, had security precautions (at least greeters at the door),  had bathrooms close by and if he was hungry the shelves were always stocked.  It was this insomniac's paradise.  He always related stories of the interesting people he met,  the latest gizmos out and became a whiz at product pricing.  As he wandered the halls of this mecca to American commercialism,  he solved world problems like.....what brand of paper towel was most absorbent and which BBQ sauce worked best with what cut of meat.  Really, what he was doing was setting his own pains aside to think of someone else's needs.

I would often awake, not knowing he had a mid-night encounter at the mega store,  and find our counter littered with things that seemed to magically appear, often with a note that said he was thinking of so and so and this was for them and would I make sure they got it.  Once I awoke to see piles of craft items on the counter for my Pre-K class.  I smile tenderly at the thought of him selecting every size of googly eyes and every color and style of pom-poms.  His last nocturnal run, brought us a year supply of chocolate chips and Hersery Bars.  He was quite concerned when he heard about the price of chocolate going up.  He was going to make sure that we had enough to "barter" with all the chocoholics out there since he knew chocolate was not a motivator for me.  I am in possession of  excessive chocolate, so I think I know what I will give this Christmas.

Anyway, I found myself at Walmart today, wandering the aisles amazed that Thanksgiving was crowded out before it even happened and Christmas had already taken over.  I was in a fog of thoughts that seemed to lead to nowhere in making some purchasing decisions when I was approached by a lady asking where I had gotten such and such in my shopping basket.  From that innocent question, a conversation ensued and we found each of us bearing our souls to each other, saying things like, "I do not know why I am telling you this," or "I never share this with people even those that I have known for years, yet alone a stranger". She had seen a few more tragedies in her life and was able to offer some comfort and counsel.  Although not a member of my church, we were united in our common belief that God watches over all his children and will answer all their prayers in His timing and we will see our loved ones again.  We held up traffic for quite awhile in the aisle, while there were tears and hugs and eventually an exchange of names and telephone numbers.  This Walmart angel hailed from Iowa part of the year and had no idea that when she entered the automatic doors today that she would be on the Lord's errand.  Another tender mercy is noted.

When we parted, a phrase from a hymn and a scripture came to mind, "No longer as strangers on earth need we roam " (Now Let Us Rejoice #3)  and "...I was a stranger, and ye took me in.." (Matt. 25:35)
Scott was right, Walmart can be a place of solace and he would be pleased to know that it can happen even in the daytime.

An Invitation to Celebrate Scott

To All Readers,

You are invited to come and help us celebrate 

Scott Harman  

on Friday, November 23rd at 10am

at the Desert Ridge Stake Center: 

3440 S. Signal Butte Rd.  Mesa, AZ 85212

(Take the 60 East and exit Signal Butte,  turning right (south) off exit. 

 Pass through Guadalupe and church is on your left 

and before you come to Elliot. 

 Sorry, there is some forever ongoing construction.)

There will be visiting available from 9-9:45am at the same church

 in the Relief Society Room for any who would like.

Scott's body will be buried near family later that same day in Glendale. 

We have so enjoyed hearing the stories about Scott, 

for we have forgotten many of them.  

Thank you for sharing.  

We would love to continue to hear them as you think of them. 

Please feel free to post them on blog, 

email them to me (godessie@gmail.com) 

or even a good old written hard copy would be welcomed.  

It is a treasure for our family.

In the celebration Friday there might be a few tears but I can guarantee there will be mostly laughter, after all this is Scott Harman we are celebrating!

Alteration in blog purpose

I know that this blog was started to inform others on Scott's progress and now since that outcome  has been determined, that I should abandon the blog.  But selfishly, I am not going to just yet.  I find great solace in setting my thoughts and experiences to the pen (okay, keyboard but pen sounded more romantic-Jane Austen like). Daily, I have found so much to rejoice in and laugh about that it must be shared.  I consider this free therapy.  I do not even know if there will be any readers. I am not that tech savvy to find out yet but it is a balm to my heart.  So, if there are readers just consider the money you are helping me save on not having to seek professional help and the service you are rendering by  just "listening".

Yesterday came as I knew it would and more decisions needed to be made.  Luckily, nothing like the previous days.  On Jan. 1 2011, Scott and I took a drive to his old "stomping grounds" in Peoria and Glendale.  I know the exact date because in the midst of him showing me around, he showed me where his family is buried and he said, "This is where I want to be buried."  So, I dutifully noted it in my phone.  Where to have his body buried.... done.

Now for the decision of what to do with his body until it is buried, I was not prepared.  So, my decision making process began and thankfully I was not alone.  My dear sister Amanda played chauffeur  to my mother and myself.  I had narrowed it down to three destinations to visit.  As we started out, my sister used her phone to locate the nearest funeral home on my list.  When she saw its location she questioned if I knew what part of town it was located.  She said that  location was definitely not "Uptown".  For fun we started there anyway.  It was somewhat barricaded behind all the road construction continually going on near by and the business signs started appearing in a language other than English.  We missed the first entrance and found ourselves turning into a parking lot that had directly in front of us, a semi-professional sign in black lettering on a white background with the information... "All Pets Cremation Parking."  We were a bit stunned and a few unavoidable jokes had to be uttered. This could not be the right address!  The parking lot looked a bit abandoned, like some tenants had moved out long ago.  We ventured to the left a bit and found that "The Metal Shop" was an active business but still no sign of a funeral home.  We ventured more to the left and found it.  It was more comely and tidy than its neighbors but we decided to just drive around it to make sure it it was indeed an active business.  Yes, the hearst was there but we did not feel the need to get of the car to investigate further.  On to the next two choices.

We took a long drive to the east side of the city and found ourselves entering a very well manicured cemetery and mortuary.  Everything was beautifully kept and green with bright colored flowers on all the graves that had not already faded with time.  We passed several big mausoleums and family monuments. We arrived at the funeral home elevated on a slight hill with a little avery cage to the left filled with very white doves.  When we entered, we were promptly greeted and shown into the consulting room and given private labeled water bottles and offered personalized mints from the bowl on the table.  A middle aged man walked in with a polished mustache and demeanor. He looked confident in his dress, a sport coat and tie, as he handed us a gold embossed folder with information.  He was pleasant and seemed to know a bit about a LDS funeral service, throwing out some familiar   words, such as Relief Society.  He was helpful and courteous but not overly warm on a personal level and we left feeling that this was the "Ritz" of funeral homes and the prices certainly reflected that title.

It was time to check out the third option.  It was not the Ritz but it also certainly did not have neighbors the first option did.  This time we were helped by a young adult women dressed in black.  She was a bit more personal than our previous experience, asking us more about who we were arranging the service for and what we want we see happen.  There were mints on the table but no printed advertising on the label, just standard restaurant mints.  The folder that was presented to us was not embossed but had their logo printed on the cover.  She was also able to throw out few terms that demonstrated that their staff was familiar with how to run an LDS service.  She  helped us narrow our casket choice and gave her condolences as we left.  This could be an option. It was certainly a lower overall price than the previous option.

We all were getting tired of the process but we decided just for kicks and a good story that we would go back to the first place and actually go inside.  When we entered it was surprisingly clean and smelled nice with a calming decor.  We were kindly ushered into another room and asked to wait for the funeral director.  There were no mints on the table.  Then a young man in a white shirt and a tie (a familiar attire for Scott, he was wearing the same thing when he had his accident) greeted us and handed us some information on copied paper stapled in the corner- no folder.  He quickly put us at ease and spoke about what brought us there and genuinely seemed to care about who this person was and what were our thoughts and concerns. We found that he was a returned missionary and knew all about LDS services.  He knew the lingo and culture well.

The pricing was the lowest and I worried in my mind that although Scott always inappropriately joked about wanting to be buried in a refrigerator box (or SubZero box as the case may be), what would people think of me choosing the lowest priced place I found.  I was battling my pride a bit for I knew if the roles were reversed that Scott would have chosen for me the place with the white doves.  But this is Scott that I was making the decision for...where and with whom would his body feel comfortable?  We asked all the questions we could and as we got up to leave, I said something like, "I'll get back to you later when I have made the decision,"  thinking that perhaps the middle priced option was safest.

Then he ushered us into the foyer where there stood a woman waiting with a large plastic trash bag in her hand that seemed to carry all her earthly possessions.  Her age was hard to determine because of her browned and weathered skin from the sun.  Her attire indicated that she did not have a closet to hang clothes.  I would even venture to say that she did not even have a home to have a closet.  I thought that for sure the young funeral director would awkwardly and embarrassingly glance our way as we left, as if to apologize for the scene and gesture or say something to let us know that this was not typical clientele.   I was wrong.  Without hesitation he walked toward her and began a conversation in a kind and humble tone that showed he had no judgement, only concern for her needs and why she was there.  I was taken back a bit but it did not take me long to find the answer to the question of where and with whom would Scott's body feel most comfortable.  This director not only talked the talk but he walked the walk.  A body, such as Scott's, that housed a spirit that loved his fellowmen without judgement, needs to be handled and prepared by the same type of spirit.  It was not about the money.  It is about the feeling.

I cannot tell you how many times Scott would see a need of someone  and fulfill it or be approached by someone to give help and give it.  The reason why I cannot tell how many times, is he did not tell me all of the times he did so, probably because of my fearful and bothered reaction of where all the money went.  Yes, Allen Funeral Home is just the place where Scott's body will be comfortable for awhile.  While his spirit is in loving place, so is his body.

And I think Scott would be so pleased that I did not let my pride get the better of me.

Dessie

Happy Day for Scott

It is with great relief and joy that I ponder here Scott's passing yesterday.  Like most everything in Scott's life, it did not come easy.  But also, like most everything in Scott's life it was full of miracles.

I truly was expecting a "rubber stamp" type of decision from the legal department since the "ethics" committee had cleared their issues and was not prepared for the battle that ensued.  I was told that another meeting was to take place at 3pm because that is when the legal person could meet.  In actuality this meeting was more like an inquisition and is up to date the hardest hour of my life.  I do not know if I could describe with words what it felt like or all that transpired but in looking up how to spell inquisition, a few of the definitions stand out...."Characterized by lack of regard for individual rights, prejudice on the part of examiners and recklessly cruel punishments,"and "any harsh, difficult, or prolonged questioning." While Scott's mortal life hung in the balance of more prolonged suffering or release to the next part of his existence, the earthly powers that be were caught up with semantics of word choices, philosophizing on "quality of life" and definitions of terminal illness and survivability.  He had not marked the number 4 choice in his will that left it wide open for interpretations.  (A lesson to all who read this... He had not done so because he questioned how dialysis would work into that.. we had a conversation at the moment of signing about it and he thought he should leave it blank but his intent was very clear to me.)

There were 6 hospital staff in the room and I set beside my sweet sister-in-law, Penny and squeezed her hand so hard I am sure it will be bruised.  Also, on team Harman, was my brother Morgan via telephone and Scott's dear friend Scott Halverson that is also an attorney.  Scott Halverson was at the hospital in the morning when we got the news of the meeting and this is the beginning of the miracles and tender mercies of the day.  He immediately made calls, cleared his schedule and went to work for our Scotty.    He does not do this kind of law but one would not have know that listening to him in the room.  It felt good to be flanked on either side of us by two Priesthood holders (The speaker phone was to my right that Morgan was on and Halverson was leading the discussion on my left.). At one particular low point in the discussion the words were thrown around of finding recourse in a court of law which I knew meant more suffering for Scott and all.  In a despair that is indescribable, all I could think to do was to close my eyes and pray.  I know that I was not the only one praying.  I know that many of you were also praying yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

The situation seemed to be at an impasse and just when I was to give up all hope the situation began to change.  The trauma doctor, who really wanted to honor Scott's wishes but could not surpass the legal department, held out a solution.  If she was to ask me for permission to put in a trac (spelling?)  -the breathing tube in his throat  and a permanent feeding tube for Scott in his side, which is the course that Scott was on within days and I was to deny  that permission then their only course of action would be to have Scott on palliative or comfort care.  It was an "olive branch" direct from Heaven.  I will always be eternally grateful to that doctor for her willingness to see beyond the moment and felt that she was inspired from above.  I denied permission and the process to remove his ventilator  and other life sustaining meds and procedures began.  I think all that were involved in that room left drained from emotion.  I was literally sick to my stomach and weak in my knees and my head was whirling with thoughts of am I doing the right thing and  I began to second guess myself and the promptings and feelings that had already been confirmed to me by the Spirit.  Then I remembered reading this past week, President Henry B. Eyring's address in this past general conference, titled "Where Is The Pavilion?".  That talk seemed to be given with me in mind and what I would be going through.  In the talk he states, "Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him.  That is not easy in a world where the opinions of other human beings can have such an effect on our motives.  But it will help us recognize this truth:  God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."

 God was close to us yesterday and is today and always. It was only about an hour that Scott struggled for breath. It was gut wrenching to watch at first but then became very peaceful and almost serene.  He drew his last breath around 6:58 pm.  He was surrounded by loved ones.....myself, his sister and his friend, Scott Halverson.  I know that he was also surrounded by many others that could not be seen with my eyes.  I and Penny were able to receive priesthood blessings from the hands of our Father through Scott Halverson and Scott Maloney (another Scott friend  who came down to give our Scotty a blessing but he passed just minutes before and it turned out that I and his sister would be the benefactors of those Priesthood blessings.)

Scott's last day on earth brought many more tender mercies and miracles to add to my notebook which some day I hope to publish.

One might wonder what do you do when you have to leave your best friend and eternal companion behind.  Well, I know that Scott is seeing to it that his wife and children are comforted and then visiting, rejoicing, teaching and testifying with everyone in his path.  For me, it was a long yet peaceful drive home only to be brought to my knees with emotion to see all the cards, flowers and goodies left at my front door by ward members.  So, I warmed up a plate of food a friend had prepared for me and sat down and read all the kind words of comfort that had been written, smelled my beautiful flowers and watched "Anne of Green Gables" ( a red headed heroine of mine) and fell asleep with a peace that after the long dark night that the sun would rise again in the morning.  And it did and it will, symbolically and physically.

Dessie

Update

We know that many family and friends are concerned about the Harman family. Scott passed away this evening around 7:00 pm. The family is looking at Friday, November 23 for his funeral. More information to follow. Thank you for your love, support and prayers.

Pivotal day

I am really at a loss on how to start this entry on such a pivotal day for Scott, for us.  Through the roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts  I will try to just give some facts first.

As Scott knew and myself what would happen if he ended up in a hospital, it would be the infections that would be his demise.  He now can add C-diff to his list.  It is a bacteria infection prevalent in hospitals.  One now must wear protective gowns and gloves when entering room.  His body is riddled with evidence of how his body has no more strength to fight this on slot of infection.   There is a distinct odor in the room that whispers decay.  He continues to be unresponsive to most commands and his eyes he does not open or cannot because they are so swollen shut. There is more now I am sure that I have not been made aware.

But, things are moving forward to get Scott his desires.  I got word yesterday afternoon that the "ethics" committee has rendered a decision that his case is not a matter of ethics. ......thanks.  Now it lies in the hands of the legal department to give their consent that his living will be honored but that could not happen yesterday because it was a holiday.  So this am when the legals are back in their office, we should have a complete answer.  I am finding the situation pathetic.  A hospital that is open 24/7, 365 days a year to receive all patients does not follow the same open door policy for those wanting to leave.  They will accept coming in on weekends and holidays but not going out and in the mist of all the bureaucratic red tape, a man suffers needlessly.

Yes, I am going to have to work on my bitterness to the"Man." But I can say the rainbow in this waiting game has been the support I have felt from my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Yesterday, I was by myself most of the time at the hospital but I was not alone.  I needed that time to think. I have started a list of all the tender mercies and miracles we have experienced over the last couple of years as a family and I am already at two full pages and counting.  I also was blessed with clarity of mind and purpose to continue to be his voice and help him find his relief.  In talking with Hayden and HeartLee, they also have not been alone.  They have each felt in different ways and time tables, the sweetness of the Spirit comforting them and giving them the strength and conviction to continue on.

I do have family with me today for the minute we get the go ahead, we will be taking him off the ventilator and not administering anymore meds and procedures other then something for his pain and gagging.  I am hopeful and prayerful that for Scott today will be a day of happy reunions.

Dessie

Yesterday morning the hospital started to "ween" Scott off his versed (sedation) and fentanyl (pain) meds with a goal to wake him up to a more responsive state.   This may take a longer period of time because of his kidney condition that retains the meds in the blood longer than a healthy person.  He still has his infection and everything else.

Hayden and HeartLee having been on their own anti-biotics for a sufficient time were able to see him briefly, although he was not responsive yet.   We have decided that it is best for them to get back to a routine of familiarity than to feel so helpless and aimless in this waiting game.  So, they flew back to BYU yesterday evening to try to move forward.  No easy task we know but Scott has been so worried these past few years that his health problems would impede his family from moving on with their lives that we were certain that Scott did not want them just waiting around for something to happen. The kids and I were able to sit down with the trauma doctor and nurse to get a better understanding on the situation before they went to the airport.

There were a few rays of hope that we left with from that meeting.  One is after much discussion on what Scott wants, the doctor assured us that this ethics committee decision is pure formality and their counsel would never over-ride the wishes of a united family's decision.  The second was that in his "off the record opinion" that once the breathing help is withdrawn from Scott and other life supporting measures, given his condition, it would not be a long process for him to pass.  He even went as far to say as he did not predict Scott to make it out of the hospital to hospice.  I know that it may sound a bit callused but truly we do not want, HE did not want such a lingering situation, so that thought gave us comfort.  But we know that it is not up to us or the doctors.  We are learning to say with complete faith, "Thy will be done" and not ours.  We hope to mean it, each time we utter the phrase.

The tenderest and most surreal moments yesterday were certainly having Hayden and HeartLee to each separately and solo to have a few moments with their Father and tell him what he already knows that he is loved dearly and profoundly by his children. Although, they received no response they both felt that he heard them.  Then having to say my own good-byes at the airport and watch my children depart when I just wanted to hold them and take away their pain and have them ease mine as well was one of those moments you hope is once in a life time.

We continue to see daily the tender mercies of the Lord that assures us that He is aware of our pain and sorrow and we have felt the comfort of the Spirit enfold us as we move in a forward motion.

Dessie

Scott  did not have any surgery yesterday as thought.  He has developed an infection in his lung which we later found out is pneumonia.  I know that this is the first of many battles with infections and his body is so weak to fight.  He struggled to fight infections before he was in the accident, so I can not imagine how he could now.   We are told that he continues to remain "pain free and comfortable" but is is still on life supportive equipment.  He is non-responsive and I have not been able to get him to open his eyes for a couple of days.

While Scott is battling his infections, I am battling the hospital to honor Scott's wishes in his living will and his many conversations.  This is not how he wants to live.  I have told  the hospital that we are ready to take him off the ventilator and other life sustaining measures and have hospice involved.  I did speak with a representative from Hospice of the Valley and although she was very understanding and comforting, she said that she could not do anything until the hospital- Doctor signed the papers giving permission.

The hospital is not giving "permission" because they feel that his injuries are all recoverable given time.  I ask recoverable to what  and for how long?   I have had my brother Morgan, who is a lawyer and who we worked with to draw up our wills, assisting me.  We have been told because this process was started on a weekend and a holiday on Monday that the Hospital "Ethics" committee will not be able to meet until Tuesday at the earliest to give their "counsel".  I have never been more frustrated at the bureaucracy of it all.  I have a valid living will and knowledge of what Scott would want, but I also have a determination and mission to see his wishes carried out.  I guess I do not have red hair for nothing. (Even my brother said that he was a little scared  after we meet with some hospital staff! :).

Your prayers are still felt and needed.  The children and I need them for strength through this waiting time and Scott needs your prayers to be able to pass in peace.

Thank you for all you do and have done for our family.

Dessie